perfectly said, if a few years ago.

I tell myself

All the words he surely meant to say.

I'll talk until

The conversation doesn't stay on.

"Wait for me, I'm almost ready,"

When he meant "Let go,"

goodbye to our childhood.

dear marionne,

i went to a burial midnight of November 8. it was the death of NU107. and i couldn't help but think you should've been here.

i found out about it's closing down a couple of weeks ago. that's why i emailed you.

i'm sorry if i'm writing you this but you were the best person to address this to because YOU were the one who got me hooked to listening to NU. and i THANK YOU SO MUCH for that.

you were the one who introduced me to pearl jam, wolfgang and all the other bands that you so passionately loved listening to. and somehow, by listening to NU107, it awakened a passion in me too.

remember that time i had a problem and we were talking about it on our way to the NU office in Ortigas at the Solidbank Building? we were still in our high school uniforms then and we went after class. and it's funny because i still remember it quite vividly. when we got there, you were talking about these two djs, john allen & pontri. and i think you were supposed to claim tickets that you won by calling the dj.

that time, you told me about pontri and how nice he was. and when we met him, i remember thinking that you're right. he wasn't like the other djs from the other station we talked about. well, i met him again yesterday. and he still is the same nice guy.we got introduced thru roxy that day (she was a dj in NU, i don't know if you still remember her), whom i met thru janna way back and has become a good friend ever since.

all throughout college, it was the station that provided our soundtracks. and way after, when we started working, it was still the same station we'd listen to. i realized that i've been a listener for half of my life already. and it's all because of you.

yesterday, roxy & pontri boarded one last time at 12 noon and said their farewells to NU and to their listeners. they reminisced a lot about the past djs and the past NU. a lot of former djs based elsewhere called in also to share their fondest memories of NU107. and bid their goodbyes as well.

the past week was emotional. everyday, a lot of bands guested in the shows to pay their respects. a lot of listeners visited the station. djs were crying. guest musicians were crying. it was like a wake, marionne. like somebody so well-loved unexpectedly died.

and i knew in my heart that if you were here, we'd go visit NU in its last days. we would've paid respects together. we could've visited everyday, if we could. but you're far away. so i paid respects by myself, met up with mcoy and his bandmate when they played one last time last monday morning. and then yesterday, with roxy & other friends.

we stayed 'til the last second of NU107's airing. the station's office is/was a few blocks behind robinson's galleria. you should've seen the crowd outside the station, marionne. it was amazing. it seemed like a rock concert was going on. there was a moment that we were unsure of going outside the station (i was in the booth since noon) because people just flocked. the dj's booth was jam-packed. 107 candles were lit outside. there was a huge white banner where people wrote their well-wishes and goodbyes. there was overflowing love & support.

by 6 pm, it was already so dreadful seeing the time. everyone wanted to stretch it and push 12 midnight away. and then the last hour came. the present djs, each, started to say goodbye and play their last song for NU. and then it was francis brew speaking and bidding farewell. and then 'cris cruise', the station manager bid adieu and called the sign off.

and then ang huling el bimbo by the eraserheads played. it was the last song and the crowd just started to sing. some were crying. some lit their lighters and candles. some were just raising their fists. some were raising a toast even.

grabe, marionne. the song had a whole new meaning that time. it was a heart-breaking goodbye. i forced myself to smile and think about all the memories i had that involved NU107. but tears were flowing down my cheeks while singing with the crowd. and all i could think about was you should've been here.

it was a death. a death of the institution that represented what we loved and believed in. and it's now up to everyone left behind to forge it's spirit, the spirit of rock & roll, to live on.

i miss you, dear friend. let's not allow our friendship die with the death of an era.

after long months of labor, my triplets are out again. whew.

nanlibre na nga ako ng pagkain eh, pizza na may kasamang buffalo wings. greenwich na nga lang kasi may kamahalan ang yellow cab. 2 box pa. pero umiral na naman ang pagka patay-gutom na ugali niya. tapos sinabihan pa ako na sana totoong pagkain na lang ang binili dahil P700 hindi pa siya nabusog. gusto lang niya ubusin ang natira. kasi yun ang ugali niya. patay-gutom. parang hindi pinapakain. ingrata pa. eh meron namang natirang kanin at ulam kaninang tanghalian.

eh siya yung tatay diba? hindi bat siya ang dapat na nagpapakain sakin at hindi ako? naririnig ba nila akong nagrereklamo pag hindi ko gusto ang kinain ko na luto ng nanay ko?

mali ba kung sumama ang loob ko at magalit ako sa tatay ko dahil sa nangyaring to?

tao lang ako.

sana lumabas na lang ako ngayong gabi. hindi pa sumama ang loob ko.

just sharing...


By 30, you should have:

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age—and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. An e-mail address, a voice mailbox and a bank account—all of which nobody has access to but you.
9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
13. The belief that you deserve it.
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know:

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
6. The names of: the secretary of state, your great-grandmother and the best tailor in town.
7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.
8. How to take control of your own birthday.
9. That you can’t change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.
12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs or not flossing for very long.
13. Who you can trust, who you can’t and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.
15. Why they say life begins at 30

-Pamela Redmond Satran

the saga of the bleeding finger

so this is how it goes.

you put john mayer's battle studies on repeat while cleaning your room because you've been pretty bothered with your thoughts while doing the groceries earlier (cleaning is your therapy).

a few minutes into cleaning, your hands brush on something really icky, like cat pee. so you get up and go out of your room to go to the bathroom to wash your hands.

and then you accidentally slam the door to your poor little pointer finger. it hurts sooo bad you scream and want to curse your bedroom door, but don't, and you're now in the verge of tears. and then you look at the little one. it's bleeding like hell.

what do you do?

you rush downstairs, ask for your dad's help on what to do. he sees the bleeding finger and, probably in his panic, suggests to put crystal freakin' herbal oil on your wound. great, isn't it?

so you don't listen to him, answer back shouting coz you're in so much pain and instead rush to the faucet to clean your wound. and he gets mad at you for not listening to him. and your mom tries to keep both of you quiet. so you rush back to your bedroom while crying while putting a cotton ball on your wounded finger to stop the bleeding. and slam the door shut.

see, that's what you do.

you fix it by yourself. and cry.

***

my loneliness fed on my physical pain. i felt it spread quickly in my mind and my heart when nobody was there to kiss the ouchy, wounded finger and assure me that it'll be fine, that the pain will go away. even if i knew it would, eventually. there was nothing left to do but cry.

i really needed a hug that time. i didn't get any.

***

and it doesn't help that a few days ago you had your first cervarix shots done and your arm still feels swollen like someone punched you on the arm and left a bruise.

and, yes, it's the same arm where your poor little finger is attached to.

***

a few minutes later, your mom comes rushing in asking what happened and takes over the wounded, still bleeding finger and gives it first aid. nothing but good ol' fashioned mother's love to the rescue.

and after you've sent messages to your friends and read their comforting replies, the childhood bestfriend, whom you've been missing a lot, suddenly calls you up, asks what happens, makes you laugh coz you realize that it's really your fault and then cheers you up.

Papa God really knows how to send angels :)

***

and here's the poor one now...

never fails...

And so it is

Just like you said it would be

Life goes easy on me

Most of the time

And so it is

The shorter story

No love, no glory

No hero in her sky

I can’t take my eyes off of you

I can’t take my eyes off of you

I can’t take my eyes off of you

I can’t take my eyes off of you

I can’t take my eyes off of you

I can’t take my eyes…

And so it is

Just like you said it should be

We’ll both forget the breeze

Most of the time

And so it is

The colder water

The blower’s daughter

The pupil in denial

I can’t take my eyes off of you

I can’t take my eyes off of you

I can’t take my eyes off of you

I can’t take my eyes off of you

I can’t take my eyes off of you

I can’t take my eyes…

Did I say that I loathe you?

Did I say that I want to

Leave it all behind?

I can’t take my mind off of you

I can’t take my mind off of you…

I can’t take my mind off of you

I can’t take my mind off of you

I can’t take my mind off of you

I can’t take my mind…

My mind…my mind…

‘Til I find somebody new

- The Blower's Daughter, Damien Rice

i cried when i first heard this.

i cried when i saw closer and heard this.

and then i cried when i saw this.

I can't take my mind off you

'Til I find somebody new.

why and when

ever since last month, it seems like you have resurfaced from the crevices where i've been trying to hide you.

not a day passes that i don't see or hear your name or my term of endearment for you. or meet someone with your name.

i still dread going to the places where i have memories of you or where i might see you.

and i hate that i'm being stupid for wanting you back again. or wanting to at least get to talk to you and find out what went wrong.

i'm too forgiving.

i hope i know the reason for all this.

i wish i were a kid again.

to be happy and grateful about the simple and beautiful things in life...

on a sad note...

my country's tainted once again by the lack of better judgement of just one man, which then resulted to more lack of better judgements.

in the midst of all this chaos, i wonder. if there's a reason for everything, what must be the reason for this?

when will we stop being selfish and judgemental? when will selflessness begin?

i hope forgiveness comes soon and the desire to build bridges of healing be on its way.

Pilipinas kong mahal, babangon ka din.

my best guy friend just got engaged

and i was the last to know.

he said he tried to tell me personally before he told everyone but i seemed too busy.

i feel bad that he didn't tell me first, now i feel more bad that i didn't have time for him.

now i know the reason why i've been thinking about him for the past few days. why i felt there was an urgency to meet him even if his text messages just said 'san k?' or 'kape tayo'. and i ignored it because i was too damn busy or too damn tired. damn it.

when will i ever listen to my instincts? when???

on a different note, i am happy for him. though he and his girlfriend have only been together for less than a year, i somehow felt that this girl might be the one for him. she seemed to fit just right. and i was right about her. amazing how i even advised him to please not break her heart when i haven't even met her yet then.

but then again, i realize that chats over coffee, dinner or drinks will never be the same... soon there'll be no one info-loading me about movies, music or anything art related (he's actually started doing that when they started going out, a sign that she's really the one...), no one to drag to get-togethers where i need a male companion just so i won't be bugged about my status, no one to bug for one-on-one sessions over coffee.

i know he'll still be there for me and i know she'll be there for me too. but some things will have to change. it's inevitable.


i'll miss your company, bez. but i'm glad i'll miss you for the best and most wonderful reason.


cheers to you both! :)


* * * * * * * * * *

i'm happy seeing them together tonight. they look and feel right together. it's the first time i saw them as an engaged couple. and it was fun.

maybe i'm wrong. maybe things don't have to change at all. maybe it's all in the great plan.

all i know is i love them both :)

i now completely get it.

bad service can ruin anyone's day.

i didn't get my latte served in a mug, they didn't make it asap (i had to follow up!) and the weight... oh the weight, it was like a cappuccino! there was a lot of foam! argh!!!

The trip from Egypt to the promised land can be made in nine days (Deuteronomy 1:2).

It took the Israelites thirty-eight years.What they should have done, they didn’t...
So God decided they needed some time to rethink a few things.
Maybe God is wanting to teach you a few things.
Pay attention.
You don’t want to spend thirty-eight years missing the point.

- Max Lucado

snippet of thought

sometimes, the outside can be so beautiful that the inside can't help but be inspired.

one step closer

they said that for every love affair that ends in your life, you are one step closer to being with the One.

what happens when you're tired of taking steps? does he come to you?

moreso, what if, at the end of your path, you find there's no one there?

the power of a bonding session

i had an unexpected bonding time with one of my very good friends who i don't get to see often. every time i get to see her, there's always something to talk about, whether it be catching up on what's the latest about us or our other friends or sharing stuff about pets, bags and other things. but the in-between-stuff is the most substantial part of our talks. and it mostly involves stuff about life and how we are as women. the greatest thing about it is that i never leave empty-handed after these chats.

maybe God arranged this day for me to talk to her. after what i recently discovered which gave me a terrible heartache, it was comforting to know that she, surprisingly, understood. completely. no judgments and all. and i'm really grateful that she was there to listen. the things she told me were simple but powerful enough to leave an imprint, to make me feel ok the least is an understatement. it was a simple ideology that encompassed everything.

"if it makes you happy, if you know it makes you happy, go for it. regardless of what other people might say or think. it's not their happiness that's at stake, it's yours."

after all the trials she's been through, it's amazing how she has gained so much wisdom. and i'll always be grateful for unexpected moments like these with her.

all these things makes her even more wonderfully beautiful.

love you, ate p! :)

Jerico and Marizel (Tuesday Vargas) from Mayad Studios on Vimeo.

“Kahit ano pa mang mangyari…

Dumami man ang ampon nating pusa…

Malaos man tayo, na ’ di mangyayari kasi ‘di pa naman tayo sikat…

Pagtawanan man tayo ng mga bata ‘pag 70 na tayo dahil kulubot na tayo pero marami tayong tattoo…

Haharapin natin ang lahat ng ‘yan na magkasama at magkahawak ang kamay…”

- Tuesday Vargas

(by Mayad Studios)

this has got to be the best wedding vow i’ve ever heard in a while. made me cry buckets.

She cries to the heaven above
There is a stone in my heart
She lives a life she didn't choose
And it hurts like brand-new shoes

if it's called closure, why does it come way after the supposed end?

she said i looked lost. i was. very.

she said that i looked like i was looking for something in my coffee but i couldn't find it there. she said it doesn't seem i'll find it there.

either i'm that transparent or she knows me too well.

it's amazing.

when real friends know, they just know.
and they'll be there, no matter what, where, when, how and why.

i signed up for this from the very beginning. i knew it was gonna hurt bad if it ended, though i didn't know how bad it was gonna get. but i had hope. i thought i had reason to hope.

after you, i thought i already coped. i thought i was getting along fine. and partly, it was the hope that sustained me.

i only found out some part of the truth now. my hope was crushed two years ago.

and now it hurts like hell.

two years after.

it's when you find a picture of him wearing the shirt that he asked YOU to choose for him that he bought.

he wore it the last time we went out.

Do not do unto others what you don't want others do unto you.

so why was i left behind?

and why am i always left behind and taken for granted?

have i ever left anyone?

ganun pala talaga.

naglakad ako kanina at naglibot sa paligid ng tinutuluyan ko. nalungkot ako masyado sa nangyari sakin. dinaan ko na lang sa paglibot mag-isa. nung pauwi na'ko, natapat ako sa isang malaking pamilihan sa tapat ng aking tinutuluyan, sa isang upuan sa gilid ng kalsada na may nakaupong tatlong lalakeng naguusap. parang naghihintay ng masasakyan pauwi. nagulat ako nung narinig ko silang nagtatagalog. mga pinoy! lumukso ang puso ko at natuwa! gusto ko sana makipagchikahan pero nakakahiyang biglang sumingit atsaka baka magulat sila na may isang babaeng mukhang intsik/koreana/haponesa/malay na biglang nagtagalog at gustong makipagbalitaktakan sa kanila. tumayo na lang ako sa may tabi nila (buti na lang tawiran din dun) at nakinig.

chismosa. hindi naman. di ko nga nakuha yung pinaguusapan eh. gusto ko lang marinig yung mga nagtatagalog.

atsaka ko naisip, kung ako na sandali pa lamang na nasa ibang bansa at di sinasadyang nalungkot ay natuwa na nung makarinig ng mga pinoy sa paligid ko, ano pa kaya yung mga nakikipagsapalaran sa ibang bansa (tulad nung tatlong mama) na nalulungkot at hindi makauwi sa mga minamahal nila sa 'pinas. anong tuwa na lang siguro nila sa saglit na may marinig at makausap na nagtatagalog.

ito ang dahilan kung bakit sila naghahanap ng mga makakasama sa dayuhang bansa. ito din ang dahilan kung bakit kahit may naiwang pinakamamahal sa sariling bansa ay naghahanap sila ng 'kasambuhay' sa bansang pinagsapalaran.

lungkot.

naintindihan ko na.

maybe not now...

i'm still affected by what you commented a few weeks ago. and i still feel bad about it.

i'm sorry if i can't be happy for you right now. i can't be a hypocrite.

you got what you wanted anyway. i hope you're happy.

why there's good food.

any food always tastes better when it's being shared.

and when food is peppered with love and shared along with the stories that go with it and behind it, it nourishes even the darkest soul.

a rainy night in a bookstore

There's money in my wallet.
And it's part of my sad, sad budget.
Next door is Charles & Keith.
To resist them is a feat.


• there's a fine line between being contented and going after your heart's desires.


• I hope the rain fell on Angat Dam tonight, not here in Makati.


• amusing to see personalities in this place tonight. but then again, this is their turf.




i wish i had the luxury of time to read.

rehab.

i crave for you.

and i crave for that stolen snippet of happy feeling i get after i've consumed you.

without you, i'm supposed to be okay.

but it's eating me up whenever i resist you.

you've become my illegal substance.

So little time...

Try to understand that I'm trying to make a move just to stay in the game.
I try to stay awake and remember my name but everybody's changing and I don't feel the same...

Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday Im all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
Im 13 again am I 13 for good?

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and Im deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and Im devastated

When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting baby?
When will I start staying with myself?

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me

- Alanis Morissette

Eh kung ITO ang babati sa umaga mo...

 

hindi ka ba manginginig sa tuwa??? :D
 
the MAHARLIKA album by Kenyo is recently nominated at the 23rd Awit Awards for Best Performance by a Group Recording Artists for the song Hanggang sa Muli, Best Song Written for Movie/TV/Stage Play for the song Alay na Alaala and Best Album Package!!!

paano?

paano ko sasabihin sa'yo, paano ko ipaiintindi sa'yo na nalulungkot ako?

paano ko sasabihin sa'yo, paano ko ipaiintindi sa'yo na naiinggit ako?

paano ko sasabihin sa'yo, paano ko ipaiintindi sa'yo na nasasaktan ako?

paano ko sasabihin sa'yo, paano ko ipaiintindi sa'yo na nahulog ako?

paano ko sasabihin sa'yo, paano ko ipaiintindi sa'yo na nagmamahal ako?