something happened just right now...

i've been trying to clean my room since december 24 but since i'm allergic to house dust, my allergies turned into full-blown cough & colds, impeding my plans. i vowed to start early today, what with the mount of cleaning that i needed to do.

after years, i finally cleaned the screen on the bigger window in my bedroom. it felt good deep inside opening all windows and just feeling the wind & the sun on my face. and then i thought, i should be thankful coz i finally witnessed good weather to be able to clean my room properly. i wouldn't be able to do it if it were raining. so i made a breath prayer thanking God for the weather & for the chance to clean my room.

as soon as i finished dusting off the window panes, i felt a bit tired. so i decided to sit on the edge of my bed facing the big window.

then Fix You by Coldplay started playing. and i couldn't hold it in anymore. i started crying. i felt all the pain of the past years that went by. i just felt the pain & cried.

and then i thought, i wanna leave this window open now. i don't wanna close it anymore. i don't wanna care about the bugs & the mosquitoes & all the dust & dirt that could possibly come in. i don't wanna put in all the stuff in my bedroom that i took out already. i just want this SPACE. nothing more.

but i can't let that be. if i don't put back the screen, there's more risk for me getting sick. if i don't close the windows, there's more chance of getting me & my bed wet with rain, which will eventually get me sick too. if i don't put my necessary stuff back inside my bedroom, chances are, my cat will pee on them, leaving me with nothing to use.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?


Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you...

why can't i just leave it as is? why can't i just go on with my life without putting back all the stuff that i have to put back in?

i'm purging, i think. and it's amazing. i'm letting go of what will happen tomorrow.

or whatever.

happy birthday.

blush.

when someone says you're magic.

best thought to sleep on & wake up to.

:)

too many things on my plate.

'hindi ka aalis diyan hangga't 'di mo nauubos 'yan.'

you know that feeling you get when you see all the food on the buffet table, your mouth waters and you just wanna fill your plate to the edges, stack each entree on top of the other and bring them all to your dining table for you to feast on? overwhelming isn't it?

and when you get seated, you start devouring your food, sometimes getting too quickly chewing & downing it, excited to try the next one. sometimes without finishing the first few dishes.

and then realize, halfway through, you're already getting full.

and then you panic & get worried coz you haven't tasted everything yet and you wanna get to dessert soon.

then you force yourself to finish your plate (or at least get three-fourths done) then get the dessert.

that bloated feeling afterwards. that's what i feel right now.


********

nope, this isn't about the food i just ate.

it's all about the problems & issues i've been dealing with since 3 years ago and it's all weighing me down. i already feel so bloated trying to digest it. all the 'weight' that i lost, i'm sadly gaining back again. and i've been trying my best to take the weight off, literally & figuratively.

nope, i didn't want them (who would want any problem or issue?!). i didn't excitedly 'stack them on my plate'. hell no. well, some, yes. but i feel it was all served to me, leaving me without any choice but to deal with it.

feels like the Guy upstairs is bent in making me 'devour' all that He's served. i already feel so full but it seems like He thinks i haven't had enough yet.


**********

i know i haven't been responsible in 'choosing what i eat' lately. i may have purposefully left out some of the 'healthier', good stuff in life and unmindfully downed the 'steaks, lechons, calderetas, the burgers & fries' coz it simply was too freakin' good to pass. i tried to enjoy every inch of it, while at the back of my head i knew i was gonna 'gain unnecessary weight'. though i still allow my intuition/conscience to check on me, it's the 'minsan lang naman' thought that i befriended more.

now, it's taken a toll on me. or it has started to, to say the least. but i have to say i'm already 'full'. and i can't coz i have to finish them.

it's sad, too, that friends seated with me on the table or watching me eat, cheering me on, guiding me & giving me moral support are not helping that much anymore. not that i don't appreciate their presence & help in my life. in fact, i'm very grateful when at times they ask to pick on my plate, helping me lessen what's on it. but it's my plate, i can't fully share it with them and constantly ask them to help me out. besides, they all have their own plates to finish as well. and yes, some of them have theirs filled to the edges too. it saddens me also that when time comes they need someone to help out, i can't offer to share coz my plate's still full.

often, i've noticed, that after each meal i try to finish, another one gets served in front of me again, sometimes arriving even before i finish the previous one. it feels too much already, like there's too much weight on my plate, it might slip from my hands and break and cause me an accident, leaving me with shards & pieces of porcelain that could cut my hands & mix with my 'food' that i'll still have to deal with afterwards. now, that's a scarier thought.


**********

yes, there have been moments already when i begged for someone to share the plate with. or at least meet someone who'd like to sit beside me on the table and just be there. it's been a long while. and the loooong absence of that 'someone to share it with' has already made me ask 'who would want to share with my plate anyway?' i probably look so 'unhealthy' with all the things i 'eat', it's like looking like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders or something. one doesn't need to see what i 'eat', they'd probably know my burden just by feeling it or looking at me.

besides, most of them probably must've mastered the art of 'eating healthily' so why would that one help me out in my gorging activities anyway?

there've been times too that some seemed to want to share in my plate, or so i thought. only to find out later on that they just wanted to dump on mine the excess on theirs.


**********

wouldn't it be nice if one day i'd just see my plate filled just right all of a sudden? like some secret society of do-gooders all just took pity on me and helped in finishing the stack on my plate, leaving me with enough to deal with? i'm not even asking for my plate to be empty, i'm just asking not to have an overwhelming amount on it.

if i was only allowed to just throw everything that's on my plate and simply fill it up with stuff that's good for me.

but He doesn't work that way. or maybe He's just waiting for me to be extremely filled up and see how far i can go until i'm down on my knees begging Him to stop and let me breathe and digest everything that i've taken in.

so until the Master Chef keeps serving me up with all these stuff, i will have to keep eating. i guess 'til i've learned my lesson, no?

"Jeremiah didn’t mince words. He told God exactly how he felt, and you know what? God is okay with that. He wants you to unload all your frustrations on him. Don’t unload them on your spouse, your kids, your boss or some online blog. Take it all to God, because he can handle it."

this is me, taking it on You. gusto ko na pong mag-diet. tama na, please naman.

dear thoughts of you

LEAVE ME ALONE.


with all my heart,
me

When Things Fall Apart, Tell God How You Feel

“I am a man who has seen affliction, by the rod of his wrath. He has driven me away and made me walk in darkness rather than light; he has turned his hand against me again and again, all day long. He has made my skin grow old and broken my bones. He has surrounded me with bitterness and hardship. He has made me dwell in darkness like the dead. He has walled me in so I cannot escape; he has weighed me down with chains. Even when I call out or cry for help, he shuts out my prayer. He has barred my way with blocks of stone; he has made my paths crooked.” (Lamentations 3:1-10 NIV)

Jeremiah didn’t mince words. He told God exactly how he felt, and you know what? God is okay with that. He wants you to unload all your frustrations on him. Don’t unload them on your spouse, your kids, your boss or some online blog. Take it all to God, because he can handle it.

God can handle your anger, complaints and frustrations. He wants you to unload on him, because you need to get it all out. It’s cathartic. If you don’t, then here’s what will happen: As I like to say, “When I swallow my emotions and my anger, my stomach keeps score. When I swallow my fear and resentment, my back keeps score.” If you don’t talk things out, you’re going to take them out on your body.

So you need to get it out, and God can take whatever you’ve got. Go ahead, have a temper tantrum with him. God is your Heavenly Father and will still love you, just as a parent loves his or her child even when that child throws a fit.

You can’t see why God allows what he allows in your life, and God doesn’t owe you an explanation, because he’s God and you aren’t. But someday, and it might not be until you get to heaven, you’ll be able to look back and see the big plan. Until that day comes, keep taking your concerns to God.

- Rick Warren, Daily Hope

Lord, ayoko na... :'(

50 Life Lessons by Regina Brett

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this matter?”

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

41. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift..

"To do art from the heart. To do it without having to think of the who, what, why, when, where & how." - every fiber of my being.

you just broke my heart. that easy. because you chose her over me. because i'm thousands of miles away.

we both know that if i was there you'd be with me. you'd choose ME.

i hope that last night we had haunts you.

...

why can't it be
just a pathway full of roses
leading to a sunset view
where the one you've always dreamed of waits?
why can't it be?
it was like a movie scene the way i fell for you...

i wonder when this won't be anymore...

heartbroken icon, a photo by ersatzsuperjew on Flickr.