a bit stronger

i resolved to let you be. i was even resolved to ready myself with the idea of letting go. and move on.

i prayed so hard for those times that i cried, those times that i had sleepless nights and loss of appetite for everything.

i prayed so hard for God to take away the pain i was feeling that time. but i also asked Him for you. i asked Him to keep you safe no matter what. i asked Him to keep your family safe always.

and i asked God to let my love for you reach you. in whatever way, i don't know. and i resolved to be stronger.

and, just as always, you surprised me again.

thank you, sniffer.

***

last week, when you started communicating to me again, i was starting to guard my heart.

i didn't know how and what to think about your sudden absence and your sudden resurfacing in my life.

and when i saw you again, my hurts and doubts slowly started to be erased.

how do you do that to me, sniffer? how and why do you have that effect on me?

***

i didn't want to spoil our night by bringing up the issues i waited so long to talk about. i knew for a fact that we missed each other so much, i didn't want to dampen our moods.

funny how you brought them up, sniffer. again, you surprised me.

***

you asked me why i got mad at you. i didn't. i told you that. i'm glad i was able to apologize to you that night. i'm glad i was able to explain to you why i reacted that way the last time i asked to see you. and when you said sorry for not being able to be there for me... it meant a whole lot.

when i told you that i thought you got mad at me for reacting that way because you seemed to avoid me for weeks, i was surprised again to find out that you actually thought that i didn't want to see you. i don't think i can ever bear that - not seeing you. it broke me in those weeks that i didn't. it'll break me if i know that i won't ever again.

***

i know you're so caught up with your job. and i know that you're just establishing yourself. and i'm so proud of you for accomplishing so much in your work.

but, at least, i know you missed me, sniffer. i'm glad you did.

coz i did too.

***

and , now, i resolve to let you be all the more. i won't pressure you. and i will just be here for you.

i guess that's how much i love you.


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