i've been trying to clean my room since december 24 but since i'm allergic to house dust, my allergies turned into full-blown cough & colds, impeding my plans. i vowed to start early today, what with the mount of cleaning that i needed to do.
after years, i finally cleaned the screen on the bigger window in my bedroom. it felt good deep inside opening all windows and just feeling the wind & the sun on my face. and then i thought, i should be thankful coz i finally witnessed good weather to be able to clean my room properly. i wouldn't be able to do it if it were raining. so i made a breath prayer thanking God for the weather & for the chance to clean my room.
as soon as i finished dusting off the window panes, i felt a bit tired. so i decided to sit on the edge of my bed facing the big window.
then Fix You by Coldplay started playing. and i couldn't hold it in anymore. i started crying. i felt all the pain of the past years that went by. i just felt the pain & cried.
and then i thought, i wanna leave this window open now. i don't wanna close it anymore. i don't wanna care about the bugs & the mosquitoes & all the dust & dirt that could possibly come in. i don't wanna put in all the stuff in my bedroom that i took out already. i just want this SPACE. nothing more.
but i can't let that be. if i don't put back the screen, there's more risk for me getting sick. if i don't close the windows, there's more chance of getting me & my bed wet with rain, which will eventually get me sick too. if i don't put my necessary stuff back inside my bedroom, chances are, my cat will pee on them, leaving me with nothing to use.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you...
why can't i just leave it as is? why can't i just go on with my life without putting back all the stuff that i have to put back in?
i'm purging, i think. and it's amazing. i'm letting go of what will happen tomorrow.
or whatever.
happy birthday.
