you know that feeling you get when you see all the food on the buffet table, your mouth waters and you just wanna fill your plate to the edges, stack each entree on top of the other and bring them all to your dining table for you to feast on? overwhelming isn't it?
and when you get seated, you start devouring your food, sometimes getting too quickly chewing & downing it, excited to try the next one. sometimes without finishing the first few dishes.
and then realize, halfway through, you're already getting full.
and then you panic & get worried coz you haven't tasted everything yet and you wanna get to dessert soon.
then you force yourself to finish your plate (or at least get three-fourths done) then get the dessert.
that bloated feeling afterwards. that's what i feel right now.
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nope, this isn't about the food i just ate.
it's all about the problems & issues i've been dealing with since 3 years ago and it's all weighing me down. i already feel so bloated trying to digest it. all the 'weight' that i lost, i'm sadly gaining back again. and i've been trying my best to take the weight off, literally & figuratively.
nope, i didn't want them (who would want any problem or issue?!). i didn't excitedly 'stack them on my plate'. hell no. well, some, yes. but i feel it was all served to me, leaving me without any choice but to deal with it.
feels like the Guy upstairs is bent in making me 'devour' all that He's served. i already feel so full but it seems like He thinks i haven't had enough yet.
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i know i haven't been responsible in 'choosing what i eat' lately. i may have purposefully left out some of the 'healthier', good stuff in life and unmindfully downed the 'steaks, lechons, calderetas, the burgers & fries' coz it simply was too freakin' good to pass. i tried to enjoy every inch of it, while at the back of my head i knew i was gonna 'gain unnecessary weight'. though i still allow my intuition/conscience to check on me, it's the 'minsan lang naman' thought that i befriended more.
now, it's taken a toll on me. or it has started to, to say the least. but i have to say i'm already 'full'. and i can't coz i have to finish them.
it's sad, too, that friends seated with me on the table or watching me eat, cheering me on, guiding me & giving me moral support are not helping that much anymore. not that i don't appreciate their presence & help in my life. in fact, i'm very grateful when at times they ask to pick on my plate, helping me lessen what's on it. but it's my plate, i can't fully share it with them and constantly ask them to help me out. besides, they all have their own plates to finish as well. and yes, some of them have theirs filled to the edges too. it saddens me also that when time comes they need someone to help out, i can't offer to share coz my plate's still full.
often, i've noticed, that after each meal i try to finish, another one gets served in front of me again, sometimes arriving even before i finish the previous one. it feels too much already, like there's too much weight on my plate, it might slip from my hands and break and cause me an accident, leaving me with shards & pieces of porcelain that could cut my hands & mix with my 'food' that i'll still have to deal with afterwards. now, that's a scarier thought.
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yes, there have been moments already when i begged for someone to share the plate with. or at least meet someone who'd like to sit beside me on the table and just be there. it's been a long while. and the loooong absence of that 'someone to share it with' has already made me ask 'who would want to share with my plate anyway?' i probably look so 'unhealthy' with all the things i 'eat', it's like looking like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders or something. one doesn't need to see what i 'eat', they'd probably know my burden just by feeling it or looking at me.
besides, most of them probably must've mastered the art of 'eating healthily' so why would that one help me out in my gorging activities anyway?
there've been times too that some seemed to want to share in my plate, or so i thought. only to find out later on that they just wanted to dump on mine the excess on theirs.
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wouldn't it be nice if one day i'd just see my plate filled just right all of a sudden? like some secret society of do-gooders all just took pity on me and helped in finishing the stack on my plate, leaving me with enough to deal with? i'm not even asking for my plate to be empty, i'm just asking not to have an overwhelming amount on it.
if i was only allowed to just throw everything that's on my plate and simply fill it up with stuff that's good for me.
but He doesn't work that way. or maybe He's just waiting for me to be extremely filled up and see how far i can go until i'm down on my knees begging Him to stop and let me breathe and digest everything that i've taken in.
so until the Master Chef keeps serving me up with all these stuff, i will have to keep eating. i guess 'til i've learned my lesson, no?
"Jeremiah didn’t mince words. He told God exactly how he felt, and you know what? God is okay with that. He wants you to unload all your frustrations on him. Don’t unload them on your spouse, your kids, your boss or some online blog. Take it all to God, because he can handle it."
this is me, taking it on You. gusto ko na pong mag-diet. tama na, please naman.
