When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

. . .

I find comfort at the thought that my friends are getting pregnant.

God has allowed them to bear children, and hopefully give birth to them the safest way possible.

And when that happens, maybe there'll still be a chance for them to see how wonderful the world can still be.

Maybe 2012 won't happen at all.

Maybe I'll have my chance after all.

sad

that someone made you unhappy.

sadder

that you can't seem to see that someone else can make you happy.

saddest

that you still can't see that that someone else who can make you happy could be me.

I haven't slept at all in days
It's been so long since we've talked
And I have been here many times
I just don't know what I'm doing wrong

What can I do to make you love me?
What can I do to make you care?
What can I say to make you feel this?
What can I do to get you there?

There's only so much I can take
And I just got to let it go
And who knows I might feel better
If I don't try and I don't hope

What can I do to make you love me?
What can I do to make you care?
What can I say to make you feel this?
What can I do to get you there?

No more waiting, No more aching
No more fighting, No more trying

Maybe there's nothing more to say
And in a funny way I'm calm
Because the power is not mine
I'm just gonna let it fly

What can I do to make you love me?
What can I do to make you care?
What can I say to make you feel this?
What can I do to get you there?

And love me...

Love me...

- the corrs

perfectly said, if a few years ago.

I tell myself

All the words he surely meant to say.

I'll talk until

The conversation doesn't stay on.

"Wait for me, I'm almost ready,"

When he meant "Let go,"

goodbye to our childhood.

dear marionne,

i went to a burial midnight of November 8. it was the death of NU107. and i couldn't help but think you should've been here.

i found out about it's closing down a couple of weeks ago. that's why i emailed you.

i'm sorry if i'm writing you this but you were the best person to address this to because YOU were the one who got me hooked to listening to NU. and i THANK YOU SO MUCH for that.

you were the one who introduced me to pearl jam, wolfgang and all the other bands that you so passionately loved listening to. and somehow, by listening to NU107, it awakened a passion in me too.

remember that time i had a problem and we were talking about it on our way to the NU office in Ortigas at the Solidbank Building? we were still in our high school uniforms then and we went after class. and it's funny because i still remember it quite vividly. when we got there, you were talking about these two djs, john allen & pontri. and i think you were supposed to claim tickets that you won by calling the dj.

that time, you told me about pontri and how nice he was. and when we met him, i remember thinking that you're right. he wasn't like the other djs from the other station we talked about. well, i met him again yesterday. and he still is the same nice guy.we got introduced thru roxy that day (she was a dj in NU, i don't know if you still remember her), whom i met thru janna way back and has become a good friend ever since.

all throughout college, it was the station that provided our soundtracks. and way after, when we started working, it was still the same station we'd listen to. i realized that i've been a listener for half of my life already. and it's all because of you.

yesterday, roxy & pontri boarded one last time at 12 noon and said their farewells to NU and to their listeners. they reminisced a lot about the past djs and the past NU. a lot of former djs based elsewhere called in also to share their fondest memories of NU107. and bid their goodbyes as well.

the past week was emotional. everyday, a lot of bands guested in the shows to pay their respects. a lot of listeners visited the station. djs were crying. guest musicians were crying. it was like a wake, marionne. like somebody so well-loved unexpectedly died.

and i knew in my heart that if you were here, we'd go visit NU in its last days. we would've paid respects together. we could've visited everyday, if we could. but you're far away. so i paid respects by myself, met up with mcoy and his bandmate when they played one last time last monday morning. and then yesterday, with roxy & other friends.

we stayed 'til the last second of NU107's airing. the station's office is/was a few blocks behind robinson's galleria. you should've seen the crowd outside the station, marionne. it was amazing. it seemed like a rock concert was going on. there was a moment that we were unsure of going outside the station (i was in the booth since noon) because people just flocked. the dj's booth was jam-packed. 107 candles were lit outside. there was a huge white banner where people wrote their well-wishes and goodbyes. there was overflowing love & support.

by 6 pm, it was already so dreadful seeing the time. everyone wanted to stretch it and push 12 midnight away. and then the last hour came. the present djs, each, started to say goodbye and play their last song for NU. and then it was francis brew speaking and bidding farewell. and then 'cris cruise', the station manager bid adieu and called the sign off.

and then ang huling el bimbo by the eraserheads played. it was the last song and the crowd just started to sing. some were crying. some lit their lighters and candles. some were just raising their fists. some were raising a toast even.

grabe, marionne. the song had a whole new meaning that time. it was a heart-breaking goodbye. i forced myself to smile and think about all the memories i had that involved NU107. but tears were flowing down my cheeks while singing with the crowd. and all i could think about was you should've been here.

it was a death. a death of the institution that represented what we loved and believed in. and it's now up to everyone left behind to forge it's spirit, the spirit of rock & roll, to live on.

i miss you, dear friend. let's not allow our friendship die with the death of an era.

after long months of labor, my triplets are out again. whew.

nanlibre na nga ako ng pagkain eh, pizza na may kasamang buffalo wings. greenwich na nga lang kasi may kamahalan ang yellow cab. 2 box pa. pero umiral na naman ang pagka patay-gutom na ugali niya. tapos sinabihan pa ako na sana totoong pagkain na lang ang binili dahil P700 hindi pa siya nabusog. gusto lang niya ubusin ang natira. kasi yun ang ugali niya. patay-gutom. parang hindi pinapakain. ingrata pa. eh meron namang natirang kanin at ulam kaninang tanghalian.

eh siya yung tatay diba? hindi bat siya ang dapat na nagpapakain sakin at hindi ako? naririnig ba nila akong nagrereklamo pag hindi ko gusto ang kinain ko na luto ng nanay ko?

mali ba kung sumama ang loob ko at magalit ako sa tatay ko dahil sa nangyaring to?

tao lang ako.

sana lumabas na lang ako ngayong gabi. hindi pa sumama ang loob ko.

just sharing...


By 30, you should have:

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age—and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. An e-mail address, a voice mailbox and a bank account—all of which nobody has access to but you.
9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
13. The belief that you deserve it.
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know:

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
6. The names of: the secretary of state, your great-grandmother and the best tailor in town.
7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.
8. How to take control of your own birthday.
9. That you can’t change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.
12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs or not flossing for very long.
13. Who you can trust, who you can’t and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.
15. Why they say life begins at 30

-Pamela Redmond Satran

the saga of the bleeding finger

so this is how it goes.

you put john mayer's battle studies on repeat while cleaning your room because you've been pretty bothered with your thoughts while doing the groceries earlier (cleaning is your therapy).

a few minutes into cleaning, your hands brush on something really icky, like cat pee. so you get up and go out of your room to go to the bathroom to wash your hands.

and then you accidentally slam the door to your poor little pointer finger. it hurts sooo bad you scream and want to curse your bedroom door, but don't, and you're now in the verge of tears. and then you look at the little one. it's bleeding like hell.

what do you do?

you rush downstairs, ask for your dad's help on what to do. he sees the bleeding finger and, probably in his panic, suggests to put crystal freakin' herbal oil on your wound. great, isn't it?

so you don't listen to him, answer back shouting coz you're in so much pain and instead rush to the faucet to clean your wound. and he gets mad at you for not listening to him. and your mom tries to keep both of you quiet. so you rush back to your bedroom while crying while putting a cotton ball on your wounded finger to stop the bleeding. and slam the door shut.

see, that's what you do.

you fix it by yourself. and cry.

***

my loneliness fed on my physical pain. i felt it spread quickly in my mind and my heart when nobody was there to kiss the ouchy, wounded finger and assure me that it'll be fine, that the pain will go away. even if i knew it would, eventually. there was nothing left to do but cry.

i really needed a hug that time. i didn't get any.

***

and it doesn't help that a few days ago you had your first cervarix shots done and your arm still feels swollen like someone punched you on the arm and left a bruise.

and, yes, it's the same arm where your poor little finger is attached to.

***

a few minutes later, your mom comes rushing in asking what happened and takes over the wounded, still bleeding finger and gives it first aid. nothing but good ol' fashioned mother's love to the rescue.

and after you've sent messages to your friends and read their comforting replies, the childhood bestfriend, whom you've been missing a lot, suddenly calls you up, asks what happens, makes you laugh coz you realize that it's really your fault and then cheers you up.

Papa God really knows how to send angels :)

***

and here's the poor one now...