blind. dense.

why are you hurting me? why are you hurting me this way? don't i matter to you anymore? do i still matter to you? do you still think about me? why don't you try to see me? why won't you see me and talk to me? do you still wanna see me? do you still think i'm special? what's wrong? why are you pulling the plug? or have you already pulled the plug a long time ago? why are you breaking my heart? why? why can't you just let me know what's on your mind even if it might hurt me? are we friends? are we still friends? do you still see me as more than a friend? can you still see me as more than a friend? do you still like me? do you still love me? did you ever love me? do you feel that i love you? do you KNOW that i love you? do you know that you're hurting me right now? do you know that i cry because of you nowadays? are you deliberately doing this to really hurt me? why? what for? don't you want me anymore? don't you love me anymore? don't you miss me anymore? are you really breaking my heart on purpose? why? why didn't you give us a chance? why didn't you let our love grow? why?


.

...

Unsaid
by Julianne

Do I have to lose you now
So I can gain you some other time?
Do I have to take a bow,
End the show before the curtain call?

Do I have to look the other way
Coz we just got too much to say?
Did it even have to be like this
For you and I? I wanna know why.

Even if I know what I've been told
To let go means to surrender my control.
But it isn't easy to have loved and not survive.
Was is for the wrong reason?
Or maybe the wrong season?

Coz I wanted this love to grow.
I wanted to see it soar.
I wanted to give a chance for the Sun
To kiss our eyes
So maybe we could see the light
Behind our hearts desires.

Do I have to be broken one last time
So I can be made whole again?
Do I have to be chastised
To be saved and rescued from the fire?

Do I have to be reminded of all this
That I didn't even own a thing to begin with?
No right to claim,
No right to put the blame
On anyone or anything

Even if I know what I've been told
To let go means to surrender my control.
But it isn't easy to have loved and not survive.
Was is for the wrong reason?
Or maybe the wrong season

Coz I wanted this love to grow.
I wanted to see it soar.
I wanted to give a chance for the Sun
To kiss our eyes
So maybe we could see the light
Behind our hearts desires.

Do I have to watch you go ahead
Leaving me with out a word said?
Do I even get the opportunity to say my plea?
I hope now you're hearing me.

Coz I wanted this love to grow.
I wanted to see it soar.
I wanted to give a chance for the Sun
To kiss our eyes
So maybe we could see the light
Behind our hearts desires.

I wanted to see the light.
I wanted you to see the light.
I wanted us to see the light.
... Open up your eyes time
To open up our eyes...

dream

sniffer,

i had a dream about you last night.
we met up.
you missed me.
you hugged me.
you held my face in your hands.
you kissed me.

when i woke up, i prayed so hard for it to come true.

is it possible to let go and still hope?


.

Shuffling my Soundtrack - Cool With You (my life according to iTunes)

i am seriously bored.

RULES:

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense.

* well... most of it didn't make much sense...

NO CHEATING!

How are you feeling today?
Lonely Days - Eagle Eye Cherry
*oh dear...

Will you get far in life?
Orgia - Ennio Morricone*eh?

How do your friends see you?
You Give Love A Bad Name - Atreyu*ganun?

Will you get married?
Name Fun - Parokya Ni Edgar
*meaning?
What is your best friend's theme song?
Gone - Kanye West

What is the story of your life?
Peggy Gordon - The Corrs

What was high school like?
Secret Lovers - Atlantic Starr
*eh?
How can you get ahead in life?
Monopoly - Rivermaya
*hmmm, and what should i monopolize?
What is the best thing about your friends?
Spider-Man - Ramones
*they're all Spider Man?
What is today going to be like?
Lullaby - Session Road
*really? sana...
What is in store for the weekend?
Doors - Moonstar88
*doors?
What song describes you?
Goodbye - Juana*oh dear again...

How do you describe your grandparents?
This Life - Mandalay

How is your life going?
They Can't Take That Away From Me - Steve Tyrell

What song will they play at your funeral?
Suntok Sa Buwan - Session Road
*ang sad naman
How does the world see you?
Red, Red Wine - Tony Tribe*pwede...

Will you have a happy life?
Just Like A Splendid Love Song - Orange & Lemons*pwedeng pwede...

What do your friends really think of you?
Baliw - Truefaith*totoo naman eh, hehe...

Do people secretly lust after you?
So Beautiful - Savage Garden*ahahahahaha!

How can I make myself happy?
Space Oddity - David Bowie*eh?

What should you do with your life?
If I Ain't Got You - Alicia Keys*?

Will you ever have children?
Alex's Father - Rachel Portman
*Who's Alex? And who's his father?

How do you picture yourself 5 years from now?
Senamou (C'Est L'Amour) - Angélique Kidjo Feat. Amadou & Miriam*hmmm... i like...

What is best to describe your special someone?
Marrakech - Mishka Adams

What is in store for you in this world?
The Ordertaker - Parokya Ni Edgar*I'll have an ordertaker? pwede din...

What would your life be 10 years from now?
Wishing I Was There - Natalie Imbruglia*double meaning...

Will you be successful?
Moden De - Sugar Hiccup*wish I knew what Moden De meant

How was your childhood?
Nod Your Head - Paul McCartney
*pretty much
What song best describes your mood right now?
Ganjazz - Eraserheads*errr...

How was it answering this survey?
Jesus Walks - Kanye West

What does this year have in store for me?
The Nearness Of You - Steve Tyrell*the nearness of who?
What does your love life look like?
Unwell - MatchboxTwenty
*kainis
What do I say when life gets hard?
Love Is A Victory - The Amaranths
*it always is...
What do I think of when I get up in the morning?
Seniorita - Justin Timberlake
*sana nga one day, haha!

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
Preno - Session Road
*but why?
What do you want as a career?
Champagne Supernova - Matt Pond PA
*hmmm...
Your favorite saying?
If I Neva See You Again - Pink Martini*hmmmmmm...

Favorite place?
You Oughta Know - Alanis Morisette
*of course, i oughta know...

What do you think of your parents?
I'm Your Villain - Franz Ferdinand
*ayayayay
Where would you go on a first date?
No More - Diana Ross*no more first dates?! what the... ? double meaning na naman...

Drug of choice?
It Doesn't Get Better Than This - Kathy Fitzgerald*hmmm... natural high?

Describe yourself.
Samba Da Bencao (Samba Of The Blessing) - Sergio Mendes Feat. Marcelo D2

The song that will be played at your funeral?
Calling - Leona Ness
*parang natanong na to...
What's your Porn star name?
#34 - Dave Matthews' Band*girl #34, hehe...

What is my state of mind like at the moment?
If You Never Come To Me - Bertrand Burgalat
*ang sad na naman...
How will I die?
Love's Divine - Seal
*again, it always is...

The song you'll put as the subject?
Cool With You - Nina

hopefully weary

i'm slowly disarming myself....
i'm pushing myself to face the sun...
i'm trying to open my eyes
to the very blinding light of truth.

i'm slowly opening my hands,
loosening my grasp
when i haven't even
held you enough yet.

i still hope.
i still believe..
i can silently and secretly wait.
still.

i am hurt.
i am sad.
but i find myself blind
even with open eyes.

all because of this heart
that loves you.


.

14 days

i was broken, rambling and ranting.

i was confused, scared to admit that that might be it.

i was reluctant but hopeful still.

i was pushed to move on by people who love me.

i was preparing myself for the possible heartbreak.

i was starting to surrender. and eventually let go.

and then that simple message from you changed everything.

again.

***

you miss me. i know you do.

i miss you too.


.

...

My Greatest Flaw
by D'Sound

Am I such a drooling fool, that all I ever think of is you?
And am I such a ludicrous girl, to make you the center of my world?
Spring time has come and gone again
When my phone rings, I hope that it's you
although I shouldn’t want it to

Because you… you are my greatest flaw
And I’m so ashamed to say, I’ll do it again everyday
You… You are my greatest flaw
I know that I am smart, but somebody tell my heart

I want to see you then I don’t
I jump into the feelings then I won’t
And when I do you're wasting my time
Trashing what is left of my spine

Summer is playing its greatest hits
Every Friday, I hope that we meet
although I shouldn’t wish for it

Because you… you are my greatest flaw
And I’m so ashamed to say,
I’ll do it again everyday
You… You are my greatest flaw
I know that I am smart, but somebody tell my heart

Didn’t I tell you so?
Didn’t you even know?
Didn’t I tell you so?
Yes I know…you’re my greatest flaw

Because you…
I know that I am smart, but somebody tell my heart
You… You are my greatest flaw…
And I’m so ashamed to say,
I’ll do it again everyday
You… You are my greatest flaw…
I know that I am smart, but somebody tell my heart

breakfast. kisses. and sniffs

i was really touched when you thought of having breakfast with me last week, sniffer.

even if our work schedule didn't agree, you even thought of having breakfast because you knew it was the only time that we'd be able to meet up.

i felt like you really missed me already.

but the breakfast didn't push through.

it made me sad. did it make you sad?

***

i asked to see you last weekend. you were at work yet you agreed to see me even if you were already tired. i appreciate that.

but when we met up, you were so distant. i don't understand it.

again, i felt that feeling of disconnection, that feeling of just being friends.

don't get me wrong. i'm glad that we are friends. but it was way too casual. way too casual for two people who are supposed to be "dating".

i guess i got so used to you being so sweet and so affectionate in the beginning.

and, now, are you withdrawing it?

***

i asked you if you missed me.

i was just waiting for simple answer, that you did.

but you gave me a sarcastic answer. and i started to get scared.

***

i told you you were becoming a bit distant lately, and you couldn't answer me.

you just whined, laughed and told me we'll just have coffee one of these days.

i felt more scared.

***

when you brought me home, i asked for a hug. twice. i couldn't feel you.

and then i kissed you. on the lips.

and it broke my heart.

because i didn't feel you at all, sniffer.

i didn't feel you respond.

***

why is this happening?

sniffer, please don't break my heart.

at least not this way.


.

coffee and jealousy

you almost pissed me off that weekend when we were supposed to have coffee.

and i tried not to expect anything anymore. i tried not to mind it.

funny how you made it up to me the next day.

i was so glad you saw me that day coz i knew you'd be surprised at how i looked. was i pretty for you that day, sniffer?

i knew i was.

***

you thought that what i was supposed to give you was the news that we will be anticipating something soon.

was it just me or did that look in your eyes really gave a glimmer of disappointment when i said that we weren't?

you made a joke about that risk. you said you tried to make it happen.

sniffer, deep inside, i tried too. i was hopeful too. even for just a bit. even if we weren't ready.

***

it was your mom's birthday that day. i was happy you wanted to make her feel special by giving her flowers. that was so sweet of you.

***

there was a little flip in my heart whenever you called me dear in front of other people, even people we didn't know.

and when you asked for my opinion on the shirts you were buying... i felt like a girlfriend. i had a giddy feeling, just like a little girl.

the sweet little things you do and say really make me happy, sniffer. i appreciate it a lot.

***

you asked me to have coffee again the next day. since it was a rare opportunity for us, i agreed to go.

but you made me so jealous. you even had to use my friend to make me feel so jealous!

why sniffer? why?!

and you laughed while i was reacting! you were having a grand time making me feel jealous!

i can't understand you.

***

there is one more thing though.

you weren't so sweet anymore. it felt like i was with a friend that day, just a friend.

it was a complete turnaround.

i don't understand.


.

ME-ology

Q: What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. Vinaigrettes

Q: What is/are your favorite fast food restaurant/s?
A. Wendy's, McDonald's, KFC, Burger King, Jollibee and Burger Machine

Q: What is/are your favorite sit-down restaurant/s?
A. Cafe Mediterranean, Ebun, Kitchen, Recipes and C2

Q: On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. around 20, goes up if I'm really happy with the service

Q: What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of it?
A: salads, nachos, chicken & seafood

Q: What are your pizza toppings of choice?
A. white cheese and seafood

Q: What do you like to put on your toast?
A. either cream cheese, blueberry jam or orange marmalade

TECHNOLOGY

Q: What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A: the new Sex and the City Movie wallpapers

Q: How many televisions are in your house?
A. 2

BIOLOGY

Q: Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. rightie

Q: Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. teeth and other stuff that's suppposed to be removed

Q: What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A. my bag! hahahaha!

Q: Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. oh yes!

BULLCRAPOLOGY

Q: If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. half of me wants to

Q: If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A. I like my name but some people said 'Sophia' fits me

Q: What color do you think looks best on you?
A. reds, pinks, summer and beach colors, earth colors, black and white... hehe.

Q: Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. uhm... yeah.

Q: Have you ever saved someone’s life?
A. i hope so :)

Q: Has someone ever saved yours?
A. most definitely :)

DAREOLOGY

Q: Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. sige, haha!

Q: Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000
A. NO WAY!

Q: Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. hmmm pwede...

Q: Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A. well, if it were Anne Leibovitz taking it and the magazine would have to be something like Vanity Fair... I'd probably consider it, haha!

Q: Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A. oh no, please... no!

Q: Would you, without fear of punishment, take a humans life for $1,000,000?
A. NEVER.

DUMBOLOGY

Q: What is in your left pocket?
A. Nothing.

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A. Ahahaha!

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A. neither. how about tiles?

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A. stand

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A. 3

Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A. yesterday morning

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A. I want to be the Queen when I grow up ;P

Q: Who is number 1 on your top 8?
A. top 8 of...?

LASTOLOGY

Q: Last friend you talked to?
A. tren

Q: Last person who called you?
A. keith

Q: Person you hugged?
A. uhm... it wasn't a person. It was a dog :)

Q: Person you kissed?
A. uhm... my sniffer :)

FAVORITOLOGY

Q: Number?
A. 1 & 8

Q: Season?
A: Summer! Summer! Summer!

CURRENTOLOGY

Q: Missing someone?
A. YES!

Q: Mood?
A. Bored and anxious and excited and a bit feisty :)

Q: Listening to?
A: Sandwich's Thanks to the Moon's Gravitational Pull on iTunes

Q: Watching?
A. my Computer Monitor?

Q: Worrying about?
A. when i'll see my sniffer again :(

RANDOMOLOGY

Q: First place you went this morning?
A. the bathroom

Q: What can you not wait to do?
A. get all the smooches and hugs soon! haha!

Q: What’s the last movie you saw?
A. One More Chance

Q: Do you smile often?
A: i smile when i feel like it :)

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A. i'd like to think i am :)