i signed up for this from the very beginning. i knew it was gonna hurt bad if it ended, though i didn't know how bad it was gonna get. but i had hope. i thought i had reason to hope.

after you, i thought i already coped. i thought i was getting along fine. and partly, it was the hope that sustained me.

i only found out some part of the truth now. my hope was crushed two years ago.

and now it hurts like hell.

two years after.

it's when you find a picture of him wearing the shirt that he asked YOU to choose for him that he bought.

he wore it the last time we went out.

Do not do unto others what you don't want others do unto you.

so why was i left behind?

and why am i always left behind and taken for granted?

have i ever left anyone?

ganun pala talaga.

naglakad ako kanina at naglibot sa paligid ng tinutuluyan ko. nalungkot ako masyado sa nangyari sakin. dinaan ko na lang sa paglibot mag-isa. nung pauwi na'ko, natapat ako sa isang malaking pamilihan sa tapat ng aking tinutuluyan, sa isang upuan sa gilid ng kalsada na may nakaupong tatlong lalakeng naguusap. parang naghihintay ng masasakyan pauwi. nagulat ako nung narinig ko silang nagtatagalog. mga pinoy! lumukso ang puso ko at natuwa! gusto ko sana makipagchikahan pero nakakahiyang biglang sumingit atsaka baka magulat sila na may isang babaeng mukhang intsik/koreana/haponesa/malay na biglang nagtagalog at gustong makipagbalitaktakan sa kanila. tumayo na lang ako sa may tabi nila (buti na lang tawiran din dun) at nakinig.

chismosa. hindi naman. di ko nga nakuha yung pinaguusapan eh. gusto ko lang marinig yung mga nagtatagalog.

atsaka ko naisip, kung ako na sandali pa lamang na nasa ibang bansa at di sinasadyang nalungkot ay natuwa na nung makarinig ng mga pinoy sa paligid ko, ano pa kaya yung mga nakikipagsapalaran sa ibang bansa (tulad nung tatlong mama) na nalulungkot at hindi makauwi sa mga minamahal nila sa 'pinas. anong tuwa na lang siguro nila sa saglit na may marinig at makausap na nagtatagalog.

ito ang dahilan kung bakit sila naghahanap ng mga makakasama sa dayuhang bansa. ito din ang dahilan kung bakit kahit may naiwang pinakamamahal sa sariling bansa ay naghahanap sila ng 'kasambuhay' sa bansang pinagsapalaran.

lungkot.

naintindihan ko na.

maybe not now...

i'm still affected by what you commented a few weeks ago. and i still feel bad about it.

i'm sorry if i can't be happy for you right now. i can't be a hypocrite.

you got what you wanted anyway. i hope you're happy.

why there's good food.

any food always tastes better when it's being shared.

and when food is peppered with love and shared along with the stories that go with it and behind it, it nourishes even the darkest soul.

a rainy night in a bookstore

There's money in my wallet.
And it's part of my sad, sad budget.
Next door is Charles & Keith.
To resist them is a feat.


• there's a fine line between being contented and going after your heart's desires.


• I hope the rain fell on Angat Dam tonight, not here in Makati.


• amusing to see personalities in this place tonight. but then again, this is their turf.




i wish i had the luxury of time to read.

rehab.

i crave for you.

and i crave for that stolen snippet of happy feeling i get after i've consumed you.

without you, i'm supposed to be okay.

but it's eating me up whenever i resist you.

you've become my illegal substance.

So little time...

Try to understand that I'm trying to make a move just to stay in the game.
I try to stay awake and remember my name but everybody's changing and I don't feel the same...

Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday Im all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
Im 13 again am I 13 for good?

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and Im deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and Im devastated

When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting baby?
When will I start staying with myself?

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me

- Alanis Morissette