weary

sniffer, please take care of yourself.

your job demands so much of you that i sometimes feel guilty asking for a bit of your time. i know you need to focus on this because you like what you're doing. but the workload they give you... if only they know how much value you put in what you do so they give you what's due you.

sometimes i wonder if i get in the way of your work and your rest time. i hope, somehow, i get to be your relief at the end of your stressful day at work whenever we see each other.

***

i rushed to see you last night, sniffer. i was so worried. i didn't want you to go home alone while you weren't feeling well. that's how much i care for you.

when i got inside your car i was so worried. and then i saw the look in your eyes. it confused me. what were you thinking? were you surprised that i rushed to see you? did you think that i couldn't? or did you think that i really shouldn't have?

but when you hugged me, i knew and felt that you were grateful i was there. i knew that you needed me and that your guards were slowly ripped down. and you couldn't admit it because you were scared.

***

funny how i came from a talk about love languages that night, sniffer.

i think i wanna find out what our love language is. and if we have the same love language. i'm excited to find out. i hope you will be too.

***

when can i call you mine, sniffer? until when will i wait? when will you not be scared anymore? i hope not another 10 years. i hope not forever.

i hope we stop wasting time and be together soon.


.

happy heart

sniffer, you surprise me. you really do!

i'm amazed about the kind of person you have become and the kind of person you still are. and i'm excited to see more of it. more of you.

***

i knew you wanted to see me that friday night. how much, i didn't know yet. but i had to make time for my friends. i needed to let them know about you. i needed to share to them my happiness about having you back in my life.

and you insisted to see me! you insisted to go where i was even if you hated the place! and you were fine meeting my friends!

you completely surprised me and the girls that night. that's why you had a thumbs up. they love you!

how can i not love you for that? i am slowly re-learning that part of you. how giving you can be. most especially to me.

***

i'm also grateful finding out how you will be there for me if i asked you to. i'm happy how you always wanna make a good impression with my parents. i'm happy that you want to keep seeing me (we seem to be seeing each other a lot lately... i know, 10 years...) even if you said we'll take things slow. even if we both know that we don't know yet where this is going.

yet, again, i'm hopeful. everytime we meet, everytime we go out, i see a glimmer of hope, and it gets bigger everytime.

i hope i don't get myself disappointed. but don't worry, i know i still have to guard my heart. i'm aware of that.

***

i was so nervous to see you monday night. but i knew i could trust you that's why i agreed to go. and, again, you amazed me at how sweet and how much of a gentleman you still are. sort of.

it's ok. i understand. after all, you're still a guy.

still, i trusted you. and i still do. and i know i'll always be comfortable with you. i was amazed when you said it felt like the first time we kissed. it still overwhelms you. i'm still overwhelmed by it too.

but do you trust me, sniffer? do you trust me enough to realize that i won't leave anymore?

***

you told me that when you get into a relationship, you think long-term. and by long-term, you mean marriage.

you know what? you made me so happy when you said that. because i know in my heart that i do want that too.

***

you asked me very serious questions the last time we were together. you asked me things that i knew bothered you about how i felt for you. when you asked me what i wanted from you, what i want from this, i only said a few words that i so desperately wanted you to believe - i wanna be with you. as simple as that. but broad in sense.

because i don't just wanna be with you. i also want to take care of you just as i know how much you'll take care of me. i wanna be able to share a life with you and see us both grow.

i know i didn't say these things to you because i know you'll tell me the same thing - that we're not so sure of that yet.

in time. there will be a right time for these words. i just hope one day that you'll feel and know that what i'm saying is true. that i do care for you so much. that you make me so happy. that i do love you.

for now, i'm just so happy that we're seeing each other often. oh sorry, as you corrected me, dating each other.

***

i shared my dilemmas to my friend. how i'm still figuring out whether it's ok for me to be intimate with you even if we're not yet together. and what she told me struck me. she had the same situation, but in the end, she decided to stop it and let go. she told me to enjoy whatever we have right now. that i should trust you in everything. but, just as always, she also said that i have to guard my heart too.

in time, we will see if this is all worth it. in time, you will see that it will be worth it. i will be worth risking you heart for. again.

***

when we parted that night, you said i have your heart. do i really? i hope so.

'til then, sweet sniffer. 'til then.


.

fears and doubts.

my sniffer,

thank you for respecting my thoughts last night. i was worried you would take it as a sign of rejection or a sign that things might not work out. but i was surprised you just agreed.

but i knew you had thoughts too. thoughts you have to keep to yourself for the meantime.

thank you, too, for being honest about what you feel about things between us. at least i know that, for now, i cannot expect anything yet.

of course, it's only been 2 weeks since we saw each other again.

there is no need to rush.

***

i know you are scared. it's ok. i understand that. after all that you've been through, i do understand where you're coming from. and i do understand what you asked me.

it actually made me think.

maybe you're right. maybe i'm still confused about what i feel for you. and that's what you're scared about too. that i may be in love with the idea of you in the past, that the one i have feelings for is the you in the past. and that it can't possibly be the you right now because it's only been two weeks. and you're scared if, after all this, the ending would be that i will choose not to continue this anymore. hence, you getting hurt again.

but all i know right now is that i won't leave. i know that you're scared that i might again soon. but i won't. i know it in my heart even if you say it's too early to tell.

i am excited to know you again. you have told me some things about you that happened in the 10 years we didn't see each other. there were some that shocked me. there were some that got me a bit disappointed. there were some that didn't go with the things i would want in a future partner.

but that didn't stop me from feeling this way right now, even if it's just 2 weeks. it didn't occur to me that this might not work out. i was hopeful and i still am.

and if this leads to something more than a special friendship, i am excited to see how we both grow as individual beings TOGETHER. i am excited to work out a relationship with YOU. i am even excited to know what things we'd fight about. :)

***

i have fears too. fears that after taking time to rediscover each other, you might realize in the end that you don't really love me anymore even if you tell me that you still do. that you're also just in love with the person that i was before. we have the same fears too, you know.

but i am hopeful. i see it in you. i hear it in your voice. even if you have tried to put up a wall to shield your heart from getting hurt and tried to keep it in there, you have started to bring down the wall again. i know it. i'll just have to be very patient.

***

you said that some things change and some things don't. and you feared that what if the things that changed were the ones that made us close before.

my dear sniffer, we will not be in this situation if those things have changed. please see that. please open your eyes to that. please open your heart.

***

it hurt me to know that you have nothing to offer for now. i understand. it's the journey that will make us realize the ending to this story. hopefully, to a happy ever after.

but, because of that, i also have to prepare my heart. prepare it for the worst things because we don't know yet where this will take us. you said you understand. i hope you really do.

then, you'll understand why i'll have to hold back the hugs, the kisses.

***

sniffer, i want to enjoy every moment with you. i want to enjoy what's right now. i want to take it slow, one day at a time. just like you said. then we'll see if we can nurture this even more.

but i will have to guard my heart until you're ready to take care of it again. until you're ready and not scared to catch me fall.


.

beautiful moon

my sweet sniffer,

tonight, it will be a week since we had that fateful kiss. as i recall what transpired that night, i melt into joyful oblivion.

how did it happen? how did it start? i was only going to bid you goodnight.

but our eyes locked.

and time seemed to slow down.

and then our lips got acquainted with each other.

even if i find the right words to describe how perfect that kiss was, i will fall short.

***

i remember looking at the moon that night. i remember asking you if you like moons. and you answered me with one of your random useless informations. i knew you just wanted to make me smile.

***

i felt things were happening too fast that night. but you were right. 10 years of waiting for that kiss to happen wasn't too fast at all. i was even surprised that after all, you still waited for it.

i want you to know that i didn't wait for it.

why? because i thought i lost that chance 10 years ago when i scarred your heart.

and finding out that you never blamed me nor harbored ill feelings for me made it all the more difficult for me to accept the fact that i was really being foolish that time you told me you loved me.

***

you said a lot of things have changed. you did and i did. but you also said that some things change and some things don't.

and i know you spoke the truth when i asked you to walk with me. because, like in the past, you were still that friend that i had. you made me smile, you made me laugh. you made me become the silly little girl that i am.

and while we were walking, while we were talking, the moon was just smiling down on us.

***

we cried, we hugged and we held hands that night. things that we have been meaning to say after all these years overflowed and overwhelmed us.

and when i looked into your eyes, all i could see was a longing so strong that even your eyes had to drink me in, in fear that i might vanish again.

and it's the same reason why i could not let go of your hand. i held on it so tight thinking that what was happening was just a dream. and that if i held on tightly, i could make that dream into a reality. and if i let go...

i hate to think about what will happen if i do.

***

you wrote before. you wrote beautifully. and you wrote because of me. have you written anything again?
because, now, i'm writing again.

now, i love again.


.

Pickles and Chicken Curry. Birthday Cakes and Coffee.

The night my Tita Loleng passed away, me and her grandson, Immanuel, were talking about death and coffins while waiting for his lola's remains get picked up by the funeral service. After talking about how he thought it would be cool to have a coffin with a varnished wood finish (like the ones in 6 feet under) and having his guitar with him when he died, he casually asked me a question that honestly made me think (considering it was only a couple of hours after his lola died).

"Ano kaya ginagawa ni lola ngayon?"

I couldn't think of a really good answer except to share the story of "the five people you meet in heaven" by Mitch Albom.

That night, when Mama and I went home, I couldn't sleep. First, because I was worried about Mama feeling so down. 2 sisters dying on the same year was really too much for her and her feeling overwhelmed at the fact that there were 10 of them, brothers and sisters and, now, there are only 2 of them, the eldest sibling who's 90 in Davao, and her, the 9th.

But the other thing that couldn't make me sleep that night was Imman's question. What was she doing right that very minute? Was she in heaven already?

The day after she died was Tito Nand's birthday, hers & mama's brother. And an idea struck me. Tito Nand was gonna have a birthday party in heaven and he had to have Tita Loleng over to supervise the cooking.

All the memories about Tita Loleng's cooking flooded me that night. When she was younger, she was a cook at the then Ramada Hotel and Manila Midtown Hotel. She even had the chance to cook for the Sultan in Brunei.

She was the one who introduced me to pickles and had me falling in love with them. When I was still a kid I'd go to their house in Cainta and, oftentimes, whenever she had a bottle of those preserved pickles, she'd open a jar for us kids and let us take one each. I'd always have a second helping if I could!

I remember the first time I tasted her home-made chicken curry. It was so yummy! I don't think I've ever tasted chicken curry as good as the one she made. So, for everytime she made chicken curry, she made sure I had some. I'll miss that chicken curry.

Family reunions (and birthdays) of the Marquez clan were never complete without her Arroz Valenciana. I think I knew her Arroz Valenciana ever since I celebrated my first birthday! And if she wasn't around to cook it, it would be Marie, my cousin & her eldest daughter, Mama or Tito Duard to substitute. Ok, now, I'm beginning to miss Tito Duard's dinuguan too... Hay...

Anyone's birthday was always special for Tita Loleng. And she likes baking birthday cakes. I  remember she would bake me a birthday cake even if I didn't have a party. She didn't mind. For her, birthdays only come once a year and it has to be special. And it won't be special without a birthday cake.

And the best memory of all was her coffee. Yes, I had a first hand experience of home-roasting coffee through her. Since she lived nearby (yeah, like, next door), I would always know whenever she roasted her special blend of coffee beans because of its wonderful aroma.

I remember watching her as she roasted those coffee beans and I'd be so engrossed at the popping and the smell of the roast I didn't mind being so near the very hot "kalan". And then she'd ask us kids to help her put the roasted beans in brown paper bags to give away. Now, I regret not remembering when I last tasted her coffee.

Oh, there's so much to remember about Tita Loleng. Her stories of her travel, about the Sultan of Brunei, about the celebrities she's seen at the hotel she worked in. How even on weekdays I would hear old Spanish songs being played on the radio because she would play it loud and sing along with it and the day would seem like Sunday afternoon siesta time. How she loved family reunions (which often happened on my birthday). How she loved going to Divisoria (oftentimes & lately, accompanied by Mama). How she always thought I looked like a flight stewardess in PAL and would convince me to apply as one. I would've, if not for my poor eyesight.

I fell asleep at dawn with a vision in my head. 8 of my Mama's siblings, all busy doing their thing for the day's party. Tito Boy bugging them to give him coffee. Tito Duard preparing to cook dinuguan. Tito Beng preparing the 'lutuan'. Tita Ched fixing the hapag-kainan. Tito Nand and Tita Inda singing heartily at them. Tita Lyd prettifying herself for the party. And Tita Loleng cooking up a feast.

God waited 88 years to have one of His best cooks come back home. I can just imagine her homecoming party...

(Tita Loleng and Immanuel when he was just a year old. Picture taken while on a ship going to Davao)

God's love song for the downhearted

So you're down there
Confused, you can't bear
When things aren't easy
Hiding is not the answer

Anxiety, then faithless you'll be
HOPE, JUST FALL ON ME
There's no other answer
I'll catch you just fall on me

Hear me now, hear my voice
Speaking the words of love
Betrayed and died, how lucky you are
Just open your eyes and see

Anxiety, then faithless you'll be
Hope, just fall on me
There's no other answer
I'll catch you just fall on me
There's no other answer
I'll catch you just fall on me

I'm tired, free me
Pick me up from this mess I made
Hear me, reach me by your hand and lift/ease me

There's no other answer
I'll catch you just fall on me

There's no other answer
I'll catch you
No other answer
I'LL CATCH YOU JUST FALL ON ME

- Moonstar88, Fall On Me

strange facts

about me, i mean.

Digging in the recesses of my brain, I thought maybe these 6 facts about me could be, well, strange enough.

Strange fact #1: I don't have problems growing my hair long, it grows really fast.

Strange fact #2: I hate snakes & rats but my heart easily goes out to them when i see them being preyed on.

Strange fact #3: I cried from start to finish while watching The Lion King for the first time and bawled over The Tigger movie.

Strange fact #4: I eat Mcdo ketchup as it is & eat it without any food people usually eat it with.

Strange fact #5: I love being in any body of water but I don't know how to swim.

Srange fact #6: I love walking. Seriously.

literacy is cute.

makes you wish your kids can write like that.

Something to keep me from losing my faith.

Everyone plans to give their selves to someone – to have a deep soul relationship with one another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively…

But God says, “No, not now. Not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and contented with living, loved by Me alone.

I love you, my child. I’ve always loved you. But not until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I’ve found for you. You will never be united until you are with Me – exclusively of any desire and longings.

I want you to stop planning, stop wishing and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best – please allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing that satisfaction. Keep listening to the things I tell you and learn from it. YOU MUST WAIT. Don’t be anxious. Don’t worry. Don’t look around at things others have gotten or that I have given them. Do not look at the things you want, rather, keep looking off and away up to Me or else, you’ll miss what I want to show you.

And then when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with LOVE FAR MORE WONDERFUL than any of you could ever dream. You’ll see until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready. I’m working, even at this very minute, to have both of you ready at the same time until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I prepared for you. I want you to be able to experience the LOVE THAT EXEMPLIFIES YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH ME and it is thus PERFECT LOVE.

Dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love too. I want you to enjoy materially, concretely the EVERLASTING UNION OF BEAUTY & PERFECTION & LOVE that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you and that I AM GOD, ALMIGHTY.

Believe and be satisfied…”

hmmm...