snippets of musings in my head

something happened just right now...

2011-12-26T14:01:00.000+08:00

i've been trying to clean my room since december 24 but since i'm allergic to house dust, my allergies turned into full-blown cough & colds, impeding my plans. i vowed to start early today, what with the mount of cleaning that i needed to do.

after years, i finally cleaned the screen on the bigger window in my bedroom. it felt good deep inside opening all windows and just feeling the wind & the sun on my face. and then i thought, i should be thankful coz i finally witnessed good weather to be able to clean my room properly. i wouldn't be able to do it if it were raining. so i made a breath prayer thanking God for the weather & for the chance to clean my room.

as soon as i finished dusting off the window panes, i felt a bit tired. so i decided to sit on the edge of my bed facing the big window.

then Fix You by Coldplay started playing. and i couldn't hold it in anymore. i started crying. i felt all the pain of the past years that went by. i just felt the pain & cried.

and then i thought, i wanna leave this window open now. i don't wanna close it anymore. i don't wanna care about the bugs & the mosquitoes & all the dust & dirt that could possibly come in. i don't wanna put in all the stuff in my bedroom that i took out already. i just want this SPACE. nothing more.

but i can't let that be. if i don't put back the screen, there's more risk for me getting sick. if i don't close the windows, there's more chance of getting me & my bed wet with rain, which will eventually get me sick too. if i don't put my necessary stuff back inside my bedroom, chances are, my cat will pee on them, leaving me with nothing to use.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you...

why can't i just leave it as is? why can't i just go on with my life without putting back all the stuff that i have to put back in?

i'm purging, i think. and it's amazing. i'm letting go of what will happen tomorrow.

or whatever.

happy birthday.

blush.

2011-11-18T12:38:00.001+08:00

when someone says you're magic.

best thought to sleep on & wake up to.

:)

too many things on my plate.

2011-09-18T21:36:00.001+08:00

'hindi ka aalis diyan hangga't 'di mo nauubos 'yan.'

you know that feeling you get when you see all the food on the buffet table, your mouth waters and you just wanna fill your plate to the edges, stack each entree on top of the other and bring them all to your dining table for you to feast on? overwhelming isn't it?

and when you get seated, you start devouring your food, sometimes getting too quickly chewing & downing it, excited to try the next one. sometimes without finishing the first few dishes.

and then realize, halfway through, you're already getting full.

and then you panic & get worried coz you haven't tasted everything yet and you wanna get to dessert soon.

then you force yourself to finish your plate (or at least get three-fourths done) then get the dessert.

that bloated feeling afterwards. that's what i feel right now.

********

nope, this isn't about the food i just ate.

it's all about the problems & issues i've been dealing with since 3 years ago and it's all weighing me down. i already feel so bloated trying to digest it. all the 'weight' that i lost, i'm sadly gaining back again. and i've been trying my best to take the weight off, literally & figuratively.

nope, i didn't want them (who would want any problem or issue?!). i didn't excitedly 'stack them on my plate'. hell no. well, some, yes. but i feel it was all served to me, leaving me without any choice but to deal with it.

feels like the Guy upstairs is bent in making me 'devour' all that He's served. i already feel so full but it seems like He thinks i haven't had enough yet.

**********

i know i haven't been responsible in 'choosing what i eat' lately. i may have purposefully left out some of the 'healthier', good stuff in life and unmindfully downed the 'steaks, lechons, calderetas, the burgers & fries' coz it simply was too freakin' good to pass. i tried to enjoy every inch of it, while at the back of my head i knew i was gonna 'gain unnecessary weight'. though i still allow my intuition/conscience to check on me, it's the 'minsan lang naman' thought that i befriended more.

now, it's taken a toll on me. or it has started to, to say the least. but i have to say i'm already 'full'. and i can't coz i have to finish them.

it's sad, too, that friends seated with me on the table or watching me eat, cheering me on, guiding me & giving me moral support are not helping that much anymore. not that i don't appreciate their presence & help in my life. in fact, i'm very grateful when at times they ask to pick on my plate, helping me lessen what's on it. but it's my plate, i can't fully share it with them and constantly ask them to help me out. besides, they all have their own plates to finish as well. and yes, some of them have theirs filled to the edges too. it saddens me also that when time comes they need someone to help out, i can't offer to share coz my plate's still full.

often, i've noticed, that after each meal i try to finish, another one gets served in front of me again, sometimes arriving even before i finish the previous one. it feels too much already, like there's too much weight on my plate, it might slip from my hands and break and cause me an accident, leaving me with shards & pieces of porcelain that could cut my hands & mix with my 'food' that i'll still have to deal with afterwards. now, that's a scarier thought.

**********

yes, there have been moments already when i begged for someone to share the plate with. or at least meet someone who'd like to sit beside me on the table and just be there. it's been a long while. and the loooong absence of that 'someone to share it with' has already made me ask 'who would want to share with my plate anyway?' i probably look so 'unhealthy' with all the things i 'eat', it's like looking like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders or something. one doesn't need to see what i 'eat', they'd probably know my burden just by feeling it or looking at me.

besides, most of them probably must've mastered the art of 'eating healthily' so why would that one help me out in my gorging activities anyway?

there've been times too that some seemed to want to share in my plate, or so i thought. only to find out later on that they just wanted to dump on mine the excess on theirs.

**********

wouldn't it be nice if one day i'd just see my plate filled just right all of a sudden? like some secret society of do-gooders all just took pity on me and helped in finishing the stack on my plate, leaving me with enough to deal with? i'm not even asking for my plate to be empty, i'm just asking not to have an overwhelming amount on it.

if i was only allowed to just throw everything that's on my plate and simply fill it up with stuff that's good for me.

but He doesn't work that way. or maybe He's just waiting for me to be extremely filled up and see how far i can go until i'm down on my knees begging Him to stop and let me breathe and digest everything that i've taken in.

so until the Master Chef keeps serving me up with all these stuff, i will have to keep eating. i guess 'til i've learned my lesson, no?

"Jeremiah didn’t mince words. He told God exactly how he felt, and you know what? God is okay with that. He wants you to unload all your frustrations on him. Don’t unload them on your spouse, your kids, your boss or some online blog. Take it all to God, because he can handle it."

this is me, taking it on You. gusto ko na pong mag-diet. tama na, please naman.

dear thoughts of you

2011-08-19T16:31:00.003+08:00

LEAVE ME ALONE.

with all my heart,
me

When Things Fall Apart, Tell God How You Feel

2011-08-18T13:04:00.002+08:00

“I am a man who has seen affliction, by the rod of his wrath. He has driven me away and made me walk in darkness rather than light; he has turned his hand against me again and again, all day long. He has made my skin grow old and broken my bones. He has surrounded me with bitterness and hardship. He has made me dwell in darkness like the dead. He has walled me in so I cannot escape; he has weighed me down with chains. Even when I call out or cry for help, he shuts out my prayer. He has barred my way with blocks of stone; he has made my paths crooked.” (Lamentations 3:1-10 NIV)

Jeremiah didn’t mince words. He told God exactly how he felt, and you know what? God is okay with that. He wants you to unload all your frustrations on him. Don’t unload them on your spouse, your kids, your boss or some online blog. Take it all to God, because he can handle it.

God can handle your anger, complaints and frustrations. He wants you to unload on him, because you need to get it all out. It’s cathartic. If you don’t, then here’s what will happen: As I like to say, “When I swallow my emotions and my anger, my stomach keeps score. When I swallow my fear and resentment, my back keeps score.” If you don’t talk things out, you’re going to take them out on your body.

So you need to get it out, and God can take whatever you’ve got. Go ahead, have a temper tantrum with him. God is your Heavenly Father and will still love you, just as a parent loves his or her child even when that child throws a fit.

You can’t see why God allows what he allows in your life, and God doesn’t owe you an explanation, because he’s God and you aren’t. But someday, and it might not be until you get to heaven, you’ll be able to look back and see the big plan. Until that day comes, keep taking your concerns to God.

- Rick Warren, Daily Hope

Lord, ayoko na... :'(

50 Life Lessons by Regina Brett

2011-08-01T22:56:00.000+08:00

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this matter?”

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

41. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift..

2011-07-18T13:08:00.001+08:00

"To do art from the heart. To do it without having to think of the who, what, why, when, where & how." - every fiber of my being.

2011-07-11T12:25:00.001+08:00

you just broke my heart. that easy. because you chose her over me. because i'm thousands of miles away.

we both know that if i was there you'd be with me. you'd choose ME.

i hope that last night we had haunts you.

...

2011-06-12T22:14:00.000+08:00

why can't it be
just a pathway full of roses
leading to a sunset view
where the one you've always dreamed of waits?
why can't it be?
it was like a movie scene the way i fell for you...

i wonder when this won't be anymore...

2011-06-12T00:56:00.001+08:00

heartbroken icon, a photo by ersatzsuperjew on Flickr.

i dunno...

2011-06-12T00:53:00.000+08:00

10 lessons for young designers

2011-06-10T13:09:00.000+08:00

John C. Jay, Wieden+Kennedy’s executive creative director, offers some thought-provoking ideas about design:

1: Be authentic. The most powerful asset you have is your individuality, what makes you unique. It’s time to stop listening to others on what you should do.
2: Work harder than anyone else and you will always benefit from the effort.
3: Get off the computer and connect with real people and culture. Life is visceral.
4: Constantly improve your craft. Make things with your hands. Innovation in thinking is not enough.
5: Travel as much as you can. It is a humbling and inspiring experience to learn just how much you don’t know.
6: Being original is still king, especially in this tech-driven, group-grope world.
7: Try not to work for stupid people or you’ll soon become one of them.
8: Instinct and intuition are all-powerful. Learn to trust them.
9: The Golden Rule actually works. Do good.
10: If all else fails, No. 2 is the greatest competitive advantage of any career.

Via SwissMiss.

when a heart breaks, it's achingly silent that it fills your head.

2011-06-08T12:46:00.000+08:00

i don't know if i should continue to fight, if i should continue to run after that chance for happiness.

is that it? because i'm thousands of miles away?

right. that one night was nothing compared to the fact that i am that far away. seems like it.

we were happy together. you were happy WITH ME.

i hope it bothers you to your core.

i need a happy drug.

2011-06-02T12:38:00.001+08:00

a sad morning is when you:

wake up knowing that your pet dog is gone.
suddenly remember 'him', knowing you both like dogs.
look at your breakfast and see a bowl of chicken liver adobo on the table.
miss 'him' all the more because you both love chicken liver.
see your cat walk lazily across the room.
can't avoid listening to your mom tell you about what happened to the family dog.
realize that your dad's recklessness had to do with it.
can't run away while your mom tells you that you need a new dog when all you feel is sadness & trauma in taking care of a new one.
realize that you have to hurry to go to work but you're just not in the mood to do so.
get pissed off at every person who does annoying things while bumping into you.
know that you can't blurt out all those thoughts in your head to those annoying people coz it just isn't right.
are really just sad & pissed off.

farewell, my furry friend...

2011-06-02T03:04:00.007+08:00

dear muki,

you came at a time when i was still grieving over a previous puppy’s death.

you were a surprise gift that i wasn’t ready for. but, since you were already there, i knew i had to take care of you the best way i know how.

i guess my best wasn’t enough. because i regret not spending too much time with you.

i named you muki, because your color when you were a baby was near the color of mocha. but when you grew up, i kinda wished i named you latte instead. a perky, beautiful latte who’s always mistaken for a dog with a breed.

you were quite a crazy dog, but not the kind that gave us headaches. you were simply an active fellow, one who likes to jump around. you never gave us a hard time whenever you were given a bath. you seemed to respond whenever we'd talk to you or scold you. and you knew how to follow orders whenever we scolded you so you'd behave. you were very unassuming. you didn't ask for too much. you simply took what we gave you. and it seemed enough.

and, yet, every time, you'd always be happy. you were content just knowing that we were around, that i was around. and you were always anxious when one of us at home would go out of the house.

but as you grew up, i knew i spent less time with you. not because i didn't like hanging out with you anymore. but because i simply didn't have enough time to play with you.

and then buds arrived. yet, you never got jealous. never. you even liked playing with him. and then i started to feel guilty not having enough time for you. so i tried as much as i can, whenever i can, even if i knew i was gonna be a bit late for work.

i don't even have photos of you as a grown up. how mean of me to not take pictures.

now, i regret not giving you the time you truly deserved.

it was your jumping that killed you this morning. you probably got too excited over something and it caused your death.

i'm sorry for not seeing you immediately when i got back from new york. i'm sorry for not giving you enough playtime with me. i'm sorry for not taking care of you that well. i'm sorry for not being the best pet owner that you deserved.

i will miss you. so much. more than the puppy you replaced.

you're playing with them now, all my pet dogs in the past... i'm sure dog heaven's lucky to have you now.

see you in the next lifetime.

2011-02-16T14:02:00.000+08:00

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And on your face I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

. . .

2011-02-03T20:13:00.000+08:00

I find comfort at the thought that my friends are getting pregnant.

God has allowed them to bear children, and hopefully give birth to them the safest way possible.

And when that happens, maybe there'll still be a chance for them to see how wonderful the world can still be.

Maybe 2012 won't happen at all.

Maybe I'll have my chance after all.

2011-01-05T16:32:00.000+08:00

sad

that someone made you unhappy.

sadder

that you can't seem to see that someone else can make you happy.

saddest

that you still can't see that that someone else who can make you happy could be me.

2011-01-03T15:14:00.000+08:00

I haven't slept at all in days
It's been so long since we've talked
And I have been here many times
I just don't know what I'm doing wrong

What can I do to make you love me?
What can I do to make you care?
What can I say to make you feel this?
What can I do to get you there?

There's only so much I can take
And I just got to let it go
And who knows I might feel better
If I don't try and I don't hope

What can I do to make you love me?
What can I do to make you care?
What can I say to make you feel this?
What can I do to get you there?

No more waiting, No more aching
No more fighting, No more trying

Maybe there's nothing more to say
And in a funny way I'm calm
Because the power is not mine
I'm just gonna let it fly

What can I do to make you love me?
What can I do to make you care?
What can I say to make you feel this?
What can I do to get you there?

And love me...

Love me...

- the corrs

goodbye to our childhood.

2010-11-09T01:35:00.000+08:00

dear marionne,

i went to a burial midnight of November 8. it was the death of NU107. and i couldn't help but think you should've been here.

i found out about it's closing down a couple of weeks ago. that's why i emailed you.

i'm sorry if i'm writing you this but you were the best person to address this to because YOU were the one who got me hooked to listening to NU. and i THANK YOU SO MUCH for that.

you were the one who introduced me to pearl jam, wolfgang and all the other bands that you so passionately loved listening to. and somehow, by listening to NU107, it awakened a passion in me too.

remember that time i had a problem and we were talking about it on our way to the NU office in Ortigas at the Solidbank Building? we were still in our high school uniforms then and we went after class. and it's funny because i still remember it quite vividly. when we got there, you were talking about these two djs, john allen & pontri. and i think you were supposed to claim tickets that you won by calling the dj.

that time, you told me about pontri and how nice he was. and when we met him, i remember thinking that you're right. he wasn't like the other djs from the other station we talked about. well, i met him again yesterday. and he still is the same nice guy.we got introduced thru roxy that day (she was a dj in NU, i don't know if you still remember her), whom i met thru janna way back and has become a good friend ever since.

all throughout college, it was the station that provided our soundtracks. and way after, when we started working, it was still the same station we'd listen to. i realized that i've been a listener for half of my life already. and it's all because of you.

yesterday, roxy & pontri boarded one last time at 12 noon and said their farewells to NU and to their listeners. they reminisced a lot about the past djs and the past NU. a lot of former djs based elsewhere called in also to share their fondest memories of NU107. and bid their goodbyes as well.

the past week was emotional. everyday, a lot of bands guested in the shows to pay their respects. a lot of listeners visited the station. djs were crying. guest musicians were crying. it was like a wake, marionne. like somebody so well-loved unexpectedly died.

and i knew in my heart that if you were here, we'd go visit NU in its last days. we would've paid respects together. we could've visited everyday, if we could. but you're far away. so i paid respects by myself, met up with mcoy and his bandmate when they played one last time last monday morning. and then yesterday, with roxy & other friends.

we stayed 'til the last second of NU107's airing. the station's office is/was a few blocks behind robinson's galleria. you should've seen the crowd outside the station, marionne. it was amazing. it seemed like a rock concert was going on. there was a moment that we were unsure of going outside the station (i was in the booth since noon) because people just flocked. the dj's booth was jam-packed. 107 candles were lit outside. there was a huge white banner where people wrote their well-wishes and goodbyes. there was overflowing love & support.

by 6 pm, it was already so dreadful seeing the time. everyone wanted to stretch it and push 12 midnight away. and then the last hour came. the present djs, each, started to say goodbye and play their last song for NU. and then it was francis brew speaking and bidding farewell. and then 'cris cruise', the station manager bid adieu and called the sign off.

and then ang huling el bimbo by the eraserheads played. it was the last song and the crowd just started to sing. some were crying. some lit their lighters and candles. some were just raising their fists. some were raising a toast even.

grabe, marionne. the song had a whole new meaning that time. it was a heart-breaking goodbye. i forced myself to smile and think about all the memories i had that involved NU107. but tears were flowing down my cheeks while singing with the crowd. and all i could think about was you should've been here.

it was a death. a death of the institution that represented what we loved and believed in. and it's now up to everyone left behind to forge it's spirit, the spirit of rock & roll, to live on.

i miss you, dear friend. let's not allow our friendship die with the death of an era.

2010-11-03T11:26:00.002+08:00

after long months of labor, my triplets are out again. whew.

2010-10-30T19:06:00.000+08:00

nanlibre na nga ako ng pagkain eh, pizza na may kasamang buffalo wings. greenwich na nga lang kasi may kamahalan ang yellow cab. 2 box pa. pero umiral na naman ang pagka patay-gutom na ugali niya. tapos sinabihan pa ako na sana totoong pagkain na lang ang binili dahil P700 hindi pa siya nabusog. gusto lang niya ubusin ang natira. kasi yun ang ugali niya. patay-gutom. parang hindi pinapakain. ingrata pa. eh meron namang natirang kanin at ulam kaninang tanghalian.

eh siya yung tatay diba? hindi bat siya ang dapat na nagpapakain sakin at hindi ako? naririnig ba nila akong nagrereklamo pag hindi ko gusto ang kinain ko na luto ng nanay ko?

mali ba kung sumama ang loob ko at magalit ako sa tatay ko dahil sa nangyaring to?

tao lang ako.

sana lumabas na lang ako ngayong gabi. hindi pa sumama ang loob ko.

2010-10-26T11:55:00.000+08:00

just sharing...

By 30, you should have:

One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
A youth you’re content to move beyond.
A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
The realization that you are actually going to have an old age—and some money set aside to help fund it.
An e-mail address, a voice mailbox and a bank account—all of which nobody has access to but you.
A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.
One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
The belief that you deserve it.
A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know:

How to fall in love without losing yourself.
How you feel about having kids.
How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
When to try harder and when to walk away.
How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
The names of: the secretary of state, your great-grandmother and the best tailor in town.
How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.
How to take control of your own birthday.
That you can’t change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.
That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs or not flossing for very long.
Who you can trust, who you can’t and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.
Why they say life begins at 30

-Pamela Redmond Satran

the saga of the bleeding finger

2010-10-17T18:04:00.002+08:00

so this is how it goes.

you put john mayer's battle studies on repeat while cleaning your room because you've been pretty bothered with your thoughts while doing the groceries earlier (cleaning is your therapy).

a few minutes into cleaning, your hands brush on something really icky, like cat pee. so you get up and go out of your room to go to the bathroom to wash your hands.

and then you accidentally slam the door to your poor little pointer finger. it hurts sooo bad you scream and want to curse your bedroom door, but don't, and you're now in the verge of tears. and then you look at the little one. it's bleeding like hell.

what do you do?

you rush downstairs, ask for your dad's help on what to do. he sees the bleeding finger and, probably in his panic, suggests to put crystal freakin' herbal oil on your wound. great, isn't it?

so you don't listen to him, answer back shouting coz you're in so much pain and instead rush to the faucet to clean your wound. and he gets mad at you for not listening to him. and your mom tries to keep both of you quiet. so you rush back to your bedroom while crying while putting a cotton ball on your wounded finger to stop the bleeding. and slam the door shut.

see, that's what you do.

you fix it by yourself. and cry.

***

my loneliness fed on my physical pain. i felt it spread quickly in my mind and my heart when nobody was there to kiss the ouchy, wounded finger and assure me that it'll be fine, that the pain will go away. even if i knew it would, eventually. there was nothing left to do but cry.

i really needed a hug that time. i didn't get any.

***

and it doesn't help that a few days ago you had your first cervarix shots done and your arm still feels swollen like someone punched you on the arm and left a bruise.

and, yes, it's the same arm where your poor little finger is attached to.

***

a few minutes later, your mom comes rushing in asking what happened and takes over the wounded, still bleeding finger and gives it first aid. nothing but good ol' fashioned mother's love to the rescue.

and after you've sent messages to your friends and read their comforting replies, the childhood bestfriend, whom you've been missing a lot, suddenly calls you up, asks what happens, makes you laugh coz you realize that it's really your fault and then cheers you up.

Papa God really knows how to send angels :)

***

and here's the poor one now...

never fails...

2010-09-24T19:27:00.000+08:00

And so it is

Just like you said it would be

Life goes easy on me

Most of the time

And so it is

The shorter story

No love, no glory

No hero in her sky

I can’t take my eyes off of you

I can’t take my eyes…

And so it is

Just like you said it should be

We’ll both forget the breeze

Most of the time

And so it is

The colder water

The blower’s daughter

The pupil in denial

I can’t take my eyes off of you

I can’t take my eyes…

Did I say that I loathe you?

Did I say that I want to

Leave it all behind?

I can’t take my mind off of you

I can’t take my mind off of you…

I can’t take my mind off of you

I can’t take my mind…

My mind…my mind…

‘Til I find somebody new

- The Blower's Daughter, Damien Rice

i cried when i first heard this.

i cried when i saw closer and heard this.

and then i cried when i saw this.

why and when

2010-09-20T00:42:00.000+08:00

ever since last month, it seems like you have resurfaced from the crevices where i've been trying to hide you.

not a day passes that i don't see or hear your name or my term of endearment for you. or meet someone with your name.

i still dread going to the places where i have memories of you or where i might see you.

and i hate that i'm being stupid for wanting you back again. or wanting to at least get to talk to you and find out what went wrong.

i'm too forgiving.

i hope i know the reason for all this.

i wish i were a kid again.

2010-09-08T12:20:00.000+08:00

to be happy and grateful about the simple and beautiful things in life...

on a sad note...

2010-08-24T01:29:00.000+08:00

my country's tainted once again by the lack of better judgement of just one man, which then resulted to more lack of better judgements.

in the midst of all this chaos, i wonder. if there's a reason for everything, what must be the reason for this?

when will we stop being selfish and judgemental? when will selflessness begin?

i hope forgiveness comes soon and the desire to build bridges of healing be on its way.

Pilipinas kong mahal, babangon ka din.

my best guy friend just got engaged

2010-08-23T14:42:00.004+08:00

and i was the last to know.

he said he tried to tell me personally before he told everyone but i seemed too busy.

i feel bad that he didn't tell me first, now i feel more bad that i didn't have time for him.

now i know the reason why i've been thinking about him for the past few days. why i felt there was an urgency to meet him even if his text messages just said 'san k?' or 'kape tayo'. and i ignored it because i was too damn busy or too damn tired. damn it.

when will i ever listen to my instincts? when???

on a different note, i am happy for him. though he and his girlfriend have only been together for less than a year, i somehow felt that this girl might be the one for him. she seemed to fit just right. and i was right about her. amazing how i even advised him to please not break her heart when i haven't even met her yet then.

but then again, i realize that chats over coffee, dinner or drinks will never be the same... soon there'll be no one info-loading me about movies, music or anything art related (he's actually started doing that when they started going out, a sign that she's really the one...), no one to drag to get-togethers where i need a male companion just so i won't be bugged about my status, no one to bug for one-on-one sessions over coffee.

i know he'll still be there for me and i know she'll be there for me too. but some things will have to change. it's inevitable.

i'll miss your company, bez. but i'm glad i'll miss you for the best and most wonderful reason.

cheers to you both! :)

* * * * * * * * * *

i'm happy seeing them together tonight. they look and feel right together. it's the first time i saw them as an engaged couple. and it was fun.

maybe i'm wrong. maybe things don't have to change at all. maybe it's all in the great plan.

all i know is i love them both :)

i now completely get it.

2010-08-21T16:09:00.000+08:00

bad service can ruin anyone's day.

i didn't get my latte served in a mug, they didn't make it asap (i had to follow up!) and the weight... oh the weight, it was like a cappuccino! there was a lot of foam! argh!!!

2010-08-19T15:55:00.000+08:00

The trip from Egypt to the promised land can be made in nine days (Deuteronomy 1:2).

It took the Israelites thirty-eight years.What they should have done, they didn’t...
So God decided they needed some time to rethink a few things.
Maybe God is wanting to teach you a few things.
Pay attention.
You don’t want to spend thirty-eight years missing the point.

- Max Lucado

2010-08-19T02:41:00.002+08:00

snippet of thought

2010-08-17T16:34:00.000+08:00

sometimes, the outside can be so beautiful that the inside can't help but be inspired.

one step closer

2010-08-17T10:18:00.000+08:00

they said that for every love affair that ends in your life, you are one step closer to being with the One.

what happens when you're tired of taking steps? does he come to you?

moreso, what if, at the end of your path, you find there's no one there?

the power of a bonding session

2010-08-16T00:49:00.000+08:00

i had an unexpected bonding time with one of my very good friends who i don't get to see often. every time i get to see her, there's always something to talk about, whether it be catching up on what's the latest about us or our other friends or sharing stuff about pets, bags and other things. but the in-between-stuff is the most substantial part of our talks. and it mostly involves stuff about life and how we are as women. the greatest thing about it is that i never leave empty-handed after these chats.

maybe God arranged this day for me to talk to her. after what i recently discovered which gave me a terrible heartache, it was comforting to know that she, surprisingly, understood. completely. no judgments and all. and i'm really grateful that she was there to listen. the things she told me were simple but powerful enough to leave an imprint, to make me feel ok the least is an understatement. it was a simple ideology that encompassed everything.

"if it makes you happy, if you know it makes you happy, go for it. regardless of what other people might say or think. it's not their happiness that's at stake, it's yours."

after all the trials she's been through, it's amazing how she has gained so much wisdom. and i'll always be grateful for unexpected moments like these with her.

all these things makes her even more wonderfully beautiful.

love you, ate p! :)

2010-08-14T20:00:00.005+08:00

Jerico and Marizel (Tuesday Vargas) from Mayad Studios on Vimeo.

“Kahit ano pa mang mangyari…

Dumami man ang ampon nating pusa…

Malaos man tayo, na ’ di mangyayari kasi ‘di pa naman tayo sikat…

Pagtawanan man tayo ng mga bata ‘pag 70 na tayo dahil kulubot na tayo pero marami tayong tattoo…

Haharapin natin ang lahat ng ‘yan na magkasama at magkahawak ang kamay…”

- Tuesday Vargas

(by Mayad Studios)

this has got to be the best wedding vow i’ve ever heard in a while. made me cry buckets.

2010-08-12T13:51:00.002+08:00

She cries to the heaven above
There is a stone in my heart
She lives a life she didn't choose
And it hurts like brand-new shoes

2010-08-11T14:22:00.002+08:00

if it's called closure, why does it come way after the supposed end?

2010-08-11T14:21:00.000+08:00

she said i looked lost. i was. very.

she said that i looked like i was looking for something in my coffee but i couldn't find it there. she said it doesn't seem i'll find it there.

either i'm that transparent or she knows me too well.

it's amazing.

2010-08-11T13:03:00.000+08:00

when real friends know, they just know.
and they'll be there, no matter what, where, when, how and why.

2010-08-11T03:00:00.002+08:00

i signed up for this from the very beginning. i knew it was gonna hurt bad if it ended, though i didn't know how bad it was gonna get. but i had hope. i thought i had reason to hope.

after you, i thought i already coped. i thought i was getting along fine. and partly, it was the hope that sustained me.

i only found out some part of the truth now. my hope was crushed two years ago.

and now it hurts like hell.

two years after.

2010-08-09T10:23:00.000+08:00

it's when you find a picture of him wearing the shirt that he asked YOU to choose for him that he bought.

he wore it the last time we went out.

Do not do unto others what you don't want others do unto you.

2010-08-05T19:06:00.000+08:00

so why was i left behind?

and why am i always left behind and taken for granted?

have i ever left anyone?

ganun pala talaga.

2010-08-05T01:29:00.000+08:00

naglakad ako kanina at naglibot sa paligid ng tinutuluyan ko. nalungkot ako masyado sa nangyari sakin. dinaan ko na lang sa paglibot mag-isa. nung pauwi na'ko, natapat ako sa isang malaking pamilihan sa tapat ng aking tinutuluyan, sa isang upuan sa gilid ng kalsada na may nakaupong tatlong lalakeng naguusap. parang naghihintay ng masasakyan pauwi. nagulat ako nung narinig ko silang nagtatagalog. mga pinoy! lumukso ang puso ko at natuwa! gusto ko sana makipagchikahan pero nakakahiyang biglang sumingit atsaka baka magulat sila na may isang babaeng mukhang intsik/koreana/haponesa/malay na biglang nagtagalog at gustong makipagbalitaktakan sa kanila. tumayo na lang ako sa may tabi nila (buti na lang tawiran din dun) at nakinig.

chismosa. hindi naman. di ko nga nakuha yung pinaguusapan eh. gusto ko lang marinig yung mga nagtatagalog.

atsaka ko naisip, kung ako na sandali pa lamang na nasa ibang bansa at di sinasadyang nalungkot ay natuwa na nung makarinig ng mga pinoy sa paligid ko, ano pa kaya yung mga nakikipagsapalaran sa ibang bansa (tulad nung tatlong mama) na nalulungkot at hindi makauwi sa mga minamahal nila sa 'pinas. anong tuwa na lang siguro nila sa saglit na may marinig at makausap na nagtatagalog.

ito ang dahilan kung bakit sila naghahanap ng mga makakasama sa dayuhang bansa. ito din ang dahilan kung bakit kahit may naiwang pinakamamahal sa sariling bansa ay naghahanap sila ng 'kasambuhay' sa bansang pinagsapalaran.

lungkot.

naintindihan ko na.

maybe not now...

2010-08-02T16:11:00.001+08:00

i'm still affected by what you commented a few weeks ago. and i still feel bad about it.

i'm sorry if i can't be happy for you right now. i can't be a hypocrite.

you got what you wanted anyway. i hope you're happy.

why there's good food.

2010-08-01T23:53:00.011+08:00

any food always tastes better when it's being shared.

and when food is peppered with love and shared along with the stories that go with it and behind it, it nourishes even the darkest soul.

a rainy night in a bookstore

2010-07-29T20:00:00.023+08:00

There's money in my wallet.
And it's part of my sad, sad budget.
Next door is Charles & Keith.
To resist them is a feat.

• there's a fine line between being contented and going after your heart's desires.

• I hope the rain fell on Angat Dam tonight, not here in Makati.

• amusing to see personalities in this place tonight. but then again, this is their turf.

i wish i had the luxury of time to read.

rehab.

2010-07-29T11:15:00.000+08:00

i crave for you.

and i crave for that stolen snippet of happy feeling i get after i've consumed you.

without you, i'm supposed to be okay.

but it's eating me up whenever i resist you.

you've become my illegal substance.

So little time...

2010-07-24T12:48:00.002+08:00

Try to understand that I'm trying to make a move just to stay in the game.
I try to stay awake and remember my name but everybody's changing and I don't feel the same...

2010-07-24T12:45:00.000+08:00

Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday Im all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
Im 13 again am I 13 for good?

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and Im deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and Im devastated

When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting baby?
When will I start staying with myself?

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me

- Alanis Morissette

Eh kung ITO ang babati sa umaga mo...

2010-06-21T10:30:00.016+08:00

hindi ka ba manginginig sa tuwa??? :D

the MAHARLIKA album by Kenyo is recently nominated at the 23rd Awit Awards for Best Performance by a Group Recording Artists for the song Hanggang sa Muli, Best Song Written for Movie/TV/Stage Play for the song Alay na Alaala and Best Album Package!!!

paano?

2010-01-27T11:07:00.003+08:00

paano ko sasabihin sa'yo, paano ko ipaiintindi sa'yo na nalulungkot ako?

paano ko sasabihin sa'yo, paano ko ipaiintindi sa'yo na naiinggit ako?

paano ko sasabihin sa'yo, paano ko ipaiintindi sa'yo na nasasaktan ako?

paano ko sasabihin sa'yo, paano ko ipaiintindi sa'yo na nahulog ako?

paano ko sasabihin sa'yo, paano ko ipaiintindi sa'yo na nagmamahal ako?

the weekend of the new moon.

2009-11-22T05:00:00.001+08:00

i wonder if last night was the first time you saw me after we last saw each other.
i wonder if you've been seeing me around but i just didn't see you and last night was the first time i did.
i wonder if we happened to literally bump into each other would you say hi or avoid me the way you did last night.

just so you know, i saw you last night. even if you tried to hide. even if you tried to avoid me.

i just pretended not to see you coz i knew you'd be uncomfortable.

i'm not mad at you. but i hope you had the courage to face me.

.

I JUST GAVE BIRTH AGAIN :)

2009-11-04T09:53:00.008+08:00

my triplets have arrived

Saying it in your head doesn't count.

2009-09-23T19:02:00.004+08:00

"Maybe it was the champagne, the romantic music or the inspiring setting, but everyone at the wedding seemed to be drifting into an emotional haze. The Byronic air became more pronounced when the groom surprised his bride with an emotional video tribute celebrating their love and their union. And then I realized that I had not uttered the words "I love you" to anyone in two years. Two years - that's 24 months, 730 days, 17,520 hours and 1,051,200 minutes. Sure, I had fallen in and out of love with some men during that time but obviously, and frustratingly, none of those relationships ever evolved into a soul-edifying commitment..."

"While being single has its glorious moments - no fights to give you those damn unconcealable eye bags, no slutty women to fend off and no lies to digest - I guess at some point we all reach a dead end where being single is not such a party after all, and that the ultimate party is when there's someone else to share it with."

- Weddings and My (Love) Funerals
Celine Lopez, From Coffee to Cocktails

I'm 11 years, 5 months and counting.

Please stop the clock.

Adorable and sad.

2009-09-23T11:58:00.003+08:00

Got this fwd, poor lil' things:

AT 120 DEGREES IN AUSTRALIA , IT WAS SO HOT FOR A WEEK THAT KOALAS WERE ASKING PEOPLE FOR WATER. IT’S NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE.

ONE WENT TO A HOUSE TO TRY TO HIDE FROM THE HEAT AND TO GET A BIT OF SHADE AND HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THE OWNER GAVE HIM SOMETHING TO DRINK. IT’S REALLY CUTE.

Dumating ka na please...

2009-09-22T15:43:00.000+08:00

Duda ang aking kasama, at sabay kami
sa aming pag-iisa
Meron akong, matagal nang hinahanap
at ang takot ko’y di sya mahagilap

Dumaan na ba sya? Diko lang napuna?
Ilang gabi pang laman ng isip?
Ilang araw pang magtatanong?

Kung sino? Nasan? Kailan ka ba
darating at ako ay sagipin
sa mundong malupit, at naiinip?
Sino? nasan? kailan ka ba?

Walang silbi sa akin ang gabi
di makatulog sa kahihintay sa'yo
Kung ika’y dumating, kailangang tanggapin
na baka di ka naman maging akin

Dumaan na ba sya? Diko lang napuna?
Ilang gabi pang laman ng isip?
Ilang araw pang magtatanong?

Kung sino? Nasan? Kailan ka ba
darating at ako ay sagipin
sa mundong malupit, at naiinip?
Sino? nasan? kailan ka ba?

Sino ka man dumating ka na please
Sino ka man dumating ka na please
Sino? nasan? kailan?

Dumaan na ba sya? Diko lang napuna?
Ilang gabi pang laman ng isip?
Ilang araw pang magtatanong?

Kung sino? Nasan? Kailan ka ba
darating at ako ay sagipin
sa mundong malupit, at naiinip?
Sino? nasan? kailan ka ba?

- Kailan Ka Ba? by Sugarfree

When a photographer is blinded by the bright lights…

2009-09-09T16:29:00.003+08:00

“She wanted her life to be like a magazine spread, nothing out of place, everything perfect.”

*photos from nymag.com

MACHONG ART NG MGA MACHONG ARTIST

2009-09-08T16:12:00.000+08:00

It's OUT.

2009-09-08T10:33:00.002+08:00

The babies are in the nurseries, kids. They're ready for picking (grab, if you must) and listening to.

tee-hee ;P

Kenyo's new album, Maharlika, is now available in record stores NATIONWIDE :)

http://musikenyo.multiply.com

http://www.facebook.com/Musikenyo

http://www.myspace.com/musikenyo

http://twitter.com/MUSIKENYO

she couldn't have talked about my life any better...

2009-07-14T13:25:00.001+08:00

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you

- alanis morissette

Ooh yeah...

2009-05-29T15:55:00.001+08:00

Ooh Yeah - dancing headphones from beshart on Vimeo.

Adventures in Paper - an exhibit by Nice Buenaventura at Starbucks 6750

2009-04-22T19:04:00.009+08:00

Make One Tama - Dialogues @ Starbucks 6750

2009-04-08T07:11:00.000+08:00

This month, we have as Dialogues leads the team behind a very new campaign called OneTama. They advocate for daily positive action under the slogan actions speak loudest when shared. Their website is on www.onetama.com; where they have a community run calendar nominating positive but small actions that could spell a change in their immediate environment like crossing the street on the pedestrian lane or segregating garbage for that day.

Read a recent article on them in the Manila Bulletin.

As the OneTama action for the day, participants to the Dialogues @ Starbucks are encouraged to bring their own tumbler to the Dialogues if they intend to buy a drink.

EARTh HOUR 2009

2009-03-24T14:30:00.003+08:00

VOTE EARTH

YOUR LIGHT SWITCH IS YOUR VOTE

This year, Earth Hour has been transformed into the world’s first global election, between Earth and global warming.

For the first time in history, people of all ages, nationalities, race and background have the opportunity to use their light switch as their vote – Switching off your lights is a vote for Earth, or leaving them on is a vote for global warming. WWF are urging the world to VOTE EARTH and reach the target of 1 billion votes, which will be presented to world leaders at the Global Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen 2009.

This meeting will determine official government policies to take action against global warming, which will replace the Kyoto Protocol. It is the chance for the people of the world to make their voice heard.

Earth Hour began in Sydney in 2007, when 2.2 million homes and businesses switched off their lights for one hour. In 2008 the message had grown into a global sustainability movement, with 50 million people switching off their lights. Global landmarks such as the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, Rome’s Colosseum, the Sydney Opera House and the Coca Cola billboard in Times Square all stood in darkness.

In 2009, Earth Hour is being taken to the next level, with the goal of 1 billion people switching off their lights as part of a global vote. Unlike any election in history, it is not about what country you’re from, but instead, what planet you’re from. VOTE EARTH is a global call to action for every individual, every business, and every community. A call to stand up and take control over the future of our planet. Over 74 countries and territories have pledged their support to VOTE EARTH during Earth Hour 2009, and this number is growing everyday.

We all have a vote, and every single vote counts. Together we can take control of the future of our planet, for future generations.

VOTE EARTH by simply switching off your lights for one hour, and join the world for Earth Hour.

a kiss goodbye

2009-03-06T08:51:00.002+08:00

from now on, there'll always be cold summer nights...

*photo taken from his last blog entry in his multiply site.

there's hope for the flowers

2009-02-12T10:50:00.000+08:00

i was browsing thru this filipino art site and came across this pic at this site.

it was a love professed for australia by @papernstitch.

i race back to my childhood memories of wanting a koala for a pet. as a kid, i was never a "teddy bear-girl", but koalas, pandas & polar bears were tops on my list. add to that a tiger. (now that's one for my 25...)

ultimately, seeing a koala bear in this situation gives me a heartache.

but what struck me in this this photo was the careful way the animal was treated at such a ghastly situation - like a child being comforted awaking from a bad dream.

and i suddenly remembered this:

everyday, i pass c-5 going to work and see this little glimmer of hope.

you see, if people didn't have a heart, that koala could've been left alone to die. knowing koalas, they have a tendency to be violent when disturbed so careful handling is needed for these ones. and the fireman carefully nursed it. he could've just snatched that koala immediately and bring it out of the woods AND THEN nurse it when they're already in the clearing. but he patiently took time.

and that tree... it could've been cut-off before that wall was made. under usual circumstances, people would cut branches like these thinking that it's no big thing. but this tree... whoever made that wall still allowed it to grow despite its being an "obstruction".

i hate to think that what the world is going through right now is all caused by our madness, our evil ways, our "irresponsibilities". though, somehow, it holds true. and in these most trying times, the "to-each-his-own-i-don't-care-me-first" attitude will definitely abound.

yet i see things like these, little acts of kindness. and my belief in the goodness of even just one person fires up my hope.

we'll all make it together. we just need to hang on tight.

something to be happy about no. 2

2009-01-28T14:02:00.002+08:00

broken hearts.

although not a happy thing in general, there's something about people with broken hearts that bring them together and creates wonderful, beautiful things. i guess misery really loves company. but it does bring out the best friendships and best friends out of people.

this was what bound me and my friend together since last year. although we were close, we really didn't see much of each other until last year. and when our broken hearts bound us together, it tightened our friendship even more. we both sought new friendships, in her circle and in mine. we laughed together and we cried together. we were cheerleaders for each other and tried to keep each one up when hopes were down. we still do. and now we await bright futures together.

i just know that now, more than ever, i am assured that there will be at least one someone who'll help me pick up the pieces when i stumble and that i will all willingly be there for her when the same happens to her.

and i will be ever so glad to cheer her on if one day (i hope soon!) she finds that one true love, that one true happiness for her.

so cheers to us, my dear girl, C!

to happiest love lives and fabulous careers for us both!

love you always :)

i'm not denying

2009-01-22T14:04:00.002+08:00

lately, i've been feeling the same way...

honestly.

*picture taken from http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

something to be happy about no. 1

2009-01-21T14:54:00.007+08:00

crunchy, dried leaves.

i was walking along the sidewalk of EDSA going to Buendia when I noticed fallen dried leaves scattered along the pathway.

and, by instinct, i stepped on them one by one, waiting for that really crunchy crackling sound from each one of them, just like a kid.

yup, just like a kid.

i was amazed at how much i missed doing that.

dream thought

2009-01-20T20:11:00.001+08:00

i didn't want to write anymore but i dreamt of you again last night.

we were going somewhere, a trip to the beach.

but you felt distant. it felt like you just went with me because i wanted you to come with me, not because you really wanted to go with me.

again, the feeling of uncertainty that i felt when i was seeing you before was evident in my dream. that uncertainty, that sadness.

and now i realize, was that how you felt that time, when we started seeing each other?

did you just go on seeing me because you saw that i wanted to be with you? to see you more? that i wanted you now?

did you just force yourself to go out with me because you didn't have the guts to say no to me that time?

was that it?

were there any feelings for me at all?

.

anniversary of the beautiful moon

2009-01-19T18:52:00.001+08:00

Sniffer,

Tonight, at 8, it'll be a year since we first saw each other again. As I recall what transpired that night, I melt into sad epiphanies.

How did it happen? How did it start? There wasn't even a goodbye.

But you were suddenly gone. Too soon gone.

***

As I anxiously waited for you to arrive that time, tonight, I will start purging myself of you and all the memories that went with the year that I thought was for us.

***

I cried for you for one whole year. I have never done that for a person in my whole lifetime.

But I allowed it. Because my heart felt much too deep of a pain from a love that was never given a chance.

Because I loved someone so deeply and was hurt.

Because I LOVED YOU THAT MUCH.

***

I hope that this will be the last time I write for you here. My heart has been so weary for too long. I need to sleep away this pain again and dream of a beautiful morning when I awake.

And when I open my eyes after that long slumber, I hope to wake up and smile at the face that will make me say "now, i love again."

***

People I know, places I go, make me feel tongue-tied
I can see how people look down, they're on the inside.
Here's where the story ends.
People I see, weary of me showing my good side.
I can see how people look down.
I'm on the outside.
Here's where the story ends.
Oh, here's where the story end.

It's that little souvenir of a terrible year
Which makes my eyes feel sore.
Oh, I never should have said, the books that you read
Were all I loved you for.
It's that little souvenir of a terrible year
Which makes me wonder why.
And it's the memories of your shed that make me turn red.
Surprise, surprise, surprise...

Crazy I know, places I go
make me feel so tired.
I can see how people look down.
I'm on the outside.
Oh, here's where the story ends.
Oh, here's where the story ends.

It's that little souvenir of a terrible year
Which makes my eyes feel sore.
And who ever would've thought the books that you brought
Were all I loved you for.
Oh. the devil in me said, go down to the shed.
I know where I belong.
But the only thing I ever really wanted to say
was wrong, was wrong, was wrong...

It's that little souvenir of a colourful year
which makes me smile inside.
So I cynically, cynically say, the world is that way
Surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise...

Here's where the story ends.
Oh, here's where the story ends...

.

a hello. a goodbye. a hello.

2009-01-19T16:54:00.002+08:00

something was born on your day.

i did it because i needed another reason for me to cry.

but i ended up realizing that what you did to me was really more painful because i didn't shed a single tear while it was being born.

i sent you messages greeting you on your birthday. twice. in two different ways.

but i never got a reply. as i expected, but not as i hoped.

and that's when i shed not just one tear.

i flooded my heart.

***

there's something about cleaning bedrooms that painfully soothes me.

it must be all the rearranging, de-cluttering and dumping of things that mean a lot despite it's triviality that gets to me.

i was sorting through all my stuff in my bedroom on the last day of that terrible year - which ones to keep, which ones to recycle and which ones to throw out.

all this while the songbird hummed in my ears.

then THE song was played.

again, whatever was in my heart - the happiness of finding you again, the joy of the thought that there was hope for us, the heartaches these brought (yes, even the happy moments we had has brought me pain lately), the confusion, the uncertainty, the pain of rejection - all came flowing out through my eyes.

and, finally, a truly painful thought stirred me. I needed to say goodbye. I had to say goodbye to you. along with all the souvenirs of the past year.

and i resolved to let it all out one last time just as i was about to say goodbye to the year that crushed and crippled me.

***
i awaited a new year knowing there will be new futures, new hopes and a chance to be reborn and be able to run wild and free again. be the glorious horse.

and i had to accept that there might be no more you in that new future... because God knows when our paths will cross again. and if there's a continuation to our story.

but you tried to find out about me and you probably didn't want me to know.

but i found out.

now i know i really mattered.

thank you.

.

Dialogues at Starbucks Katipunan

2009-01-19T06:45:00.001+08:00

ART IN SITE MAGAZINE LAUNCH

2009-01-16T08:56:00.001+08:00

Why I was so stupid not to check my gmail I don't know.

But this just made my day!!!!

"Your very much-appreciated participation and contribution were chosen by a panel of judges and will grace the cover(s) of the magazine. Your magazine will be sold at the launch to kick off the start of our fund-raising drive to cover expenses of the magazine's publication and printing costs. The rest will be applied to the future Manila Center for the Arts."

WOOT! WOOT! WOOT!

PRESS RELEASE:

Art in Site Magazine to launch at the Ayala Museum

Contact: Catherine Young, managingeditor@artinsitemagazine.com

MANILA, Philippines – January 12, 2009. On Saturday, January 17, Manila’s arts aficionados and patrons will be welcomed to a special reception at the Ayala Museum to announce the publication of the inaugural issue of Art in Site Magazine. The quarterly publication will be produced in Manila and distributed in the Philippines and the U.S. It is envisioned to be a leading resource for, by and about Filipino artists filled with insightful and engaging articles relating to the arts in all its forms to incite a renaissance of sorts—a rekindled interest in local art, artists, and a renewed sense of pride to be Filipino.

Art in Site Magazine is not just another arts magazine. Its history and unique vision are as remarkable as the people behind its creation. Patricia Laurel, editor of the magazine has the qualifications and pedigree: great-grand niece of national hero Jose Rizal; educated in Germany and the United States; writing credentials with European Stars and Stripes and Associated Press in the United States. Under Laurel’s leadership, Art in Site Magazine was conceived under the banner of a Cooperative for Artists in the Philippines and the U.S. as a way to connect a growing international community of artists of Filipino descent.
In every issue of Art in Site Magazine, a special article will be devoted to an update on the Cooperative’s ultimate goal — the establishment of the Manila Center for the Arts. The Center will be a physical structure that can be the hub for artistic development, exhibition and study; a nurturing home for Filipino artists, arts educators, and students to convene. Patterned after the highly successful San Francisco Yerba Buena Center for the Arts, the plans include a Center School for young artists, state-of-the-art performance and exhibition spaces for small audiences, the provision of legal and practical services for the artistic community, and advocacy programs to increase government and private support of the arts in all of its forms.

“The idea to publish a culture and the arts magazine was the result of a number of rejections that I experienced as a writer,” says Laurel. “The first rejection was the sudden death of the first book in my trilogy of Young Adult Fiction. The book was first published in the Philippines. A few media appearances and talks, but it didn't pan out.” Unhindered, Laurel continued to write.

The second rejection was the eye-opener: Laurel had just finished her second book manuscript and was in a celebratory mood. She rushed to a nearby confectionery store in Honolulu to purchase and devour her favorite creamy, dark chocolate caramel squares. The courteous, young man behind the counter looked like a 'kababayan' and was asked if he was Filipino. The reply he gave was a resounding, "unfortunately." He realized what he said and apologized after seeing the reaction to his single remark.

The Cooperative for Artists, through Art in Site Magazine and eventually through the Manila Center for the Arts, will showcase and promote the Filipino's unique and brilliant artistic talent, our vast and distinct cultural heritage; to impart knowledge through culture and the arts to our youth; to interpret, entertain and invite dialogue and provide food for thought. It will provide coverage and insightful treatment of Filipino artists and writers—in the Philippines and abroad— and an intelligent perspective on our own history distinct culture, and aspirations for the future.

The design of the inaugural issue of Art in Site Magazine reflects its cooperative structure and approach. An international “Design a Cover Project” attracted more than 1700 entries from Filipino artists around the world. These entries will be on display at the launching reception on January 17.

darkbulb's PARALLEL UNIVERSE

2009-01-08T10:12:00.000+08:00

6th Solo Exhibit by Nelz Yumul
Jan 17, 7pm, Pablo Gallery, Cubao Expo
check the invite here:
http://img116.imageshack.us/img116/9298/puinvite03finalweb3ly0.jpg

Parallel universe or alternative reality is a self-contained separate reality coexisting with one's own. A specific group of parallel universes is called a multiverse, although this term can also be used to describe the possible parallel universes that comprise physical reality. While the terms "parallel universe" and "alternative reality" are generally synonymous and can be used interchangeably in most cases, there is sometimes an additional connotation implied with the term "alternative reality" that implies that the reality is a variant of our own. The term "parallel universe" is more general, without any connotations implying a relationship (or lack thereof) with our own universe. A universe where the very laws of nature are different (for example, it has no relativistic limitations and the speed of light can be exceeded) would in general count as a parallel universe but not an alternative reality. - wikipedia

anxious holidays

2008-12-24T14:26:00.002+08:00

a couple of days down and we'll be the same age.

though i'm excited, i also dread that day.

because i know i will call you.

and i'm scared of what the answer might be.

i hope i hear your voice.

and not some reject or unanswered call tone.

.

...

2008-12-24T14:22:00.001+08:00

Oo nga pala, hindi nga pala tayo
Hanggang dito lang ako, nangangarap na mapa-sayo
Hindi sinasadya
Na hanapin pa ang lugar ko
Asan nga ba ako? Andiyan pa ba sa iyo?

Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Aasa ba ko sayo?

Nasusuka ako, kinakain na ang loob
Masakit na mga tuhod, kailangan bang lumuhod?
Gusto ko lang naman, yung totoo
Yung tipong ang sagot, ay di rin isang tanong

Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Asan ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Aasa ba ko sayo?

Dahil, di na makatulog (makatulog)
Dahil di na makakain (makakain)
Dahil di na makatawa (makatawa)
Dahil, di na

Oo nga pala, hindi nga pala tayo
Hanggang dito na lang ako

Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Asan ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo, nalilito
Asan ba ko sayo? Aasa ba ko sayo?
Nahihilo... Nahihilo...
Nalilito...

- migraine
by moonstar88

***

i used to sing this to you.

you just didn't hear it.

.

MAKE WISHES COME TRUE WITH “SILVER BELLS” CHRISTMAS CONCERT AT THE PEN 2008

2008-11-26T14:33:00.000+08:00

“SILVER BELLS”
SILVER ANNIVERSARY MARKS CHRISTMAS CONCERT AT THE PEN 2008
DECEMBER 13, 2008

As that old Christmas standard goes “It’s the most joyous time of the year”, and that feeling of joy is never better heralded than when the first soaring overtures of “SILVER BELLS, Christmas Concert at the Pen” ring out in the lofty Lobby of The Peninsula Manila which this year marks the silver anniversary of this much-loved holiday season event that doubles as the hotel’s gift to the community.

Fittingly, flying in from Milan specifically to conduct the concert that this year is slated for December 13 from 5:00 PM – 7:00 PM is Maestro Ruggero Barbieri who has been weaving his baton at the hugely popular “Christmas Concert at the Pen” since December 1997 – just a year after taking up his appointment as Music Director and Principal Guest Conductor of the Philppine Philharmonic Orchestra.

Recalls Maestro Barbieri: “At the beginning, I was very hesitant because of the venue which at first I thought was inappropriate for a traditional concert. But I was immediately captivated by the magical atmosphere that the concert itself creates so wonderfully announcing that its Christmas time in Manila.”

This year the concert – which will feature much loved music from classical favorites to Yuletide standards culminating with the glorious “Hallelujah Chorus” from Handel’s Messiah – will showcase a galaxy of world-class Filipino performers comprising the internationally-lauded Philippine Philharmonic Orchestra (PPO), critically-acclaimed sopranos Rachelle Gerodias and Camille Lopez-Molina, renowned Germany-based tenor Abdul Candao and multi award-winning University of the Philippines Concert Chorus (UPCC).

Making the event possible as co-sponsors are The Peninsula Manila and Stores Specialists, Inc. (SSI) which is the pioneering purveyor of many famous American, British and European luxury designer labels in the Philippines. Another co-sponsor is the widely popular magazine, Philippine Tatler, (whose publisher Irene Martel Francisco has also been a mainstay of this event in recent years) and the unfailingly cooperative Cultural Center of the Philippines (CCP) that sees events like this as an extension of its brief to bring music to a wider audience.

Since Christmas is a time of giving, especially when it comes to children, The Peninsula Manila Peninsula has decided to break from tradition and this year will charge all concertgoers PHP490+++ (consumable with selections from a special merienda menu), with 50 percent of the proceeds going to Make-A-Wish Foundation® which grants the wishes of children with life-threatening illnesses.

The charity is the largest wish-granting organization in the world, with offices in 30 countries on five continents. With the help of generous donors and more than 25,000 volunteers, Make-A-Wish Foundation® has granted more than 130,000 wishes to children around the world since 1980.

“The Peninsula Manila is proud to support Make-A-Wish Foundation®,” said Jonathan H. Crook, General Manager of The Peninsula Manila. “We have had a long relationship with Make-A-Wish Foundation® but wanted to continue and expand this tradition of charitable giving at our hotel that would involve our staff, guests and visitors. The Christmas Concert at The Pen – as well as the Peninsula-wide Trees of Hope campaign – is designed to add beauty to the hotel both musically, physically and spiritually, and to enrich the lives of the children touched by the Make-A-Wish Foundation® this Christmas season.”

Throughout its 25-year-history, “Christmas Concert at the Pen” has missed only one performance and this was a result of the events that followed September 11th 2001. But in 2003, Stores Specialists Inc. President Nedy Tantoco approached David Batchelor who was then general manager of The Peninsula Manila and persuaded him to revive the landmark Christmas event with the PPO performing. SSI has co-sponsored the concert ever since. (As a Board of Trustees of the CCP, Ms. Tantoco’s special mission is the PPO, in particular the drive to equip the orchestra with new instruments.)

So in its 25th anniversary year, “SILVER BELLS, Christmas Concert at The Pen” will serve the dual purpose of accentuating the joy of the festive season with the music of the Philippine Philharmonic Orchestra and sharing its blessings with the wards of Make-A-Wish Foundation® .

As parting words of advice, Peninsula Manila General Manager Jonathan H. Crook adds: “Since the concert is quite popular, it would be wise to come early to secure a good seat”.

still no escape

2008-11-24T11:31:00.001+08:00

i was on vacation.

i wasn't thinking about you.

not at all.

but your name just had to follow me there.

on a boat.

and then i had a dream about you again.

just before i woke up for that island trip i was so looking forward to.

the feeling of uncertainty about you was evident in my dream.

the same feeling i had when i was seeing you.

***

on my way to the island

the waves were so strong

they splashed sea water on my face.

they tried to wash off my tears.

it didn't deserve to reach and land on

my beautiful island.

.

Watch Hairspray and Make wishes come true!

2008-11-17T13:38:00.000+08:00

Dear Volunteers and Friends of Make A Wish Philippines,

The Broadway Musical HAIRSPRAY is playing in Manila!

On November 28, Friday, catch Hairspray and help Make A Wish Philippines grant wishes! Through one of our volunteers, a portion of every ticket sold through Make A Wish will be going to the foundation and its efforts to grant the wishes of children with life-threatening illnesses. Great musical and a great way to help MAW-P!

If you're interested or have friends who'd like to watch, please email Aina Lim at ains_wish@yahoo.com and she'll coordinate with Ria Go, our volunteer who's handling ticket sales for Hairspray's Nov.28 show. Details are below:

Show date: November 28, 2008 (Friday)
Show time: 8:00 p.m.
Venue: Star Theater, CCP Complex
Ticket prices: P600, P800, P1000, P1200
Directed by Bobby Garcia
You can view the seat plan at this link: www.tinyurl.com/hairspray118

Hope to see you there! And once again, thank you for Sharing the Power of a Wish!

-*-

Hairspray is about Tracy who wins a spot on the local TV dance program The Corny Collins Show. The big girl with big hair and big dreams becomes a teen celebrity overnight. Soon Tracy finds herself pitted against the show's reigning princess for the title Miss Teenage Hairspray 1962. Based on the John Waters film, Hairspray is the winner of 8 Tony awards including Best Musical. It was recently made into a hit film starring John Travolta, Michelle Pfeiffer and Queen Latifah.

Hairspray is directed by Bobby Garcia, choreography by Cecile Martinez, sets and costumes by Gino Gonzales, and lighting design by Shoko Matsumoto... (from Philstar.com)

Cast includes:

* Madel Ching as Tracy Turnblad - The cute, "pleasantly plump" teenager, who dreams of fame and fights to racially integrate The Corny Collins Show

* Tim Espinosa as Link Larkin - A teen heartthrob and one of The Corny Collins Show Council Members

* Noel Rayos as Corny Collins - The eccentric and cocky host of The Corny Collins Show

* Michael de Mesa as Edna Turnblad - Tracy's mother, an asocial shut-in ashamed of her plus-sized figure

* Menchu Lauchengco-Yulo as Velma Von Tussle - the racist former beauty queen/manager of TV station WYZT

* Dulce as "Motormouth" Maybelle - an R&B radio DJ who hosts "Negro Day" on The Corny Collins Show

* Nyoy Volante as Seaweed J. Stubbs - Maybelle's son, an expert dancer who teaches Tracy some moves

* Leo Rialp as Wilbur Turnblad - Tracy's father, the easy-going proprietor of the town's joke shop

Another article published in the Philippine Star: http://ph.news.yahoo.com/star/20081026/tel-2002-hairspray-broadway-first-time-dd408b0.html

the culprit

2008-11-06T20:08:00.002+08:00

i saw your car again a couple of weeks ago.

and i was able to somehow fight the sadness that slowly tried to creep in.

i've been trying to move you at the back of my mind now.

i've been trying to take little steps.

i've been trying to move on.

***

something made me sad today.

and after all the times that i tell myself and other people that i'm not mad at you for what happened, today was the first time that i put the blame on you.

***

you weren't the reason why i got sad today.

but you had a big chunk of a part why that sad thing happened.

yes, you.

this time, i resent you for what you did to me.

it wasn't good.

for me and for a lot of people.

.

b o X e d 2008

2008-11-05T10:45:00.000+08:00

b o X e d 2008 is about the erotic stories behind the corners of your wall…
about the sensual subconscious and the real or the unreal…
revolving, evolving and dying, decomposing and living once again.

We talk about the taboo of our inner world as we create a whole universe of sensitivity.

A universe of stories told and untold.

opens NOVEMBER 15, 2008 (Saturday) at 6PM.

The CUBICLE ART GALLERY
40-A C. Raymundo corner Stella Maris Street
Brgy. Maybunga, Pasig City 1603, Philippines.

Participants:
Katrina Adrias, Arkisens, Darrel Ballesteros, Allan Balisi, Elvert de la Cruz Bañares, Zeus Bascon, Serjohn Bato, Giselle Bautista, Art Bermido, Robert Besana, Bru, Con Cabrera, Miro Calderon, Buen Calubayan, Ronald Caringal, Jeff Carnay, Clint Catalan, Francis Comendador, Jigger Cruz, Don Djerassi Dalmacio, Melvin Dantes, DeformIndustry, Crisanto De Leon, Ian Del Espiritu Santo, Alon De Guzman, Fabo, Dexter Fernandez, Ging Flores, Mayang Frigillana, Dina Gadia, Angela Garrido, Sarah Gaugler, Eva Gubat, Neil Arvin Javier, Vinita Karim, Lindslee, Lesley Lim, Michelle Pauline Lim, Mark Magistrado, Angelo Magno, Joseph Manata, Lotsu Manes, Hana Marasigan, Meneer Marcelo, ER Masilang, Feanne Mauricio, Jovenz Mayor, Kat Medina, Treb Monteras, Jamel Obnamia, Edrie Ocampo, Okto, AJ Omandac, Nico Orillano, J. Pacena II, Francis Pacheco, Vincent Padilla, Tad Pagaduan, Lynyrd Paras, Mervin Pimentel, Cheyenne Quintana, Julius Ramirez, Oliver Ramos, Sam Ramos, Kirby Roxas, Mark Salvatus, Jopay San Juan, Aman Santos, King Santos, Julius Sebastian, Reine Shih, Apol Sta. Maria, Mimi Tecson, Jomike Tejido, Hubert Tibi, Fernando Torres, Tatong Recheta Torres, Ige Trinidad, Wesley Valenzuela, Ulysses Veloso, Maan Villanueva, Lauren Villarama, WeAreAnalog, Ray Zapanta, Costantino Zicarelli.

fantasy

2008-10-23T11:48:00.001+08:00

i saw your car again last night.

there's still a tug in my heart.

it made me feel sad.

i'm living on fantasies of you.

you back

holding me tight in your arms.

.

Beyond The Classroom: Dialogues at Starbucks

2008-10-21T17:42:00.004+08:00

Oct. 25, 2008, 3PM
Starbucks Silver City
Frontera Verde
(near Tiendesitas)

Join us for another series of Dialogues at Starbucks on learning beyond the classroom.

Get loads of spontaneous fun as WeeWillDoodle (www.weewilldoodle.com) returns to show us how learning and creativity go hand in hand within the walls of a classroom as well as beyond. Tuldok Animation (www.tuldokanimation.com) joins us and shares their learnings as Filipino artists with a showcase of their recent animation project.

RANDOM CLIQUES by Brendan Goco

2008-10-15T11:32:00.001+08:00

what?

2008-10-02T17:57:00.002+08:00

j, you haven't even said sorry yet.

you think i'm just gonna let it go again this time?

i'm tired of being patient with you.

it's time you get a dose of your own medicine and learn.

it was your choice. deal with it.

no good.

2008-10-02T17:42:00.002+08:00

i'm pathetic.

i'm still stuck.

i still think about you.

i still cry about you.

i still long for you.

i'm still hoping.

and i'm still waiting for you
to come back.

.

Palin: cause of global warming 'doesn't matter' - hala.

2008-10-02T08:58:00.000+08:00

just in, this issue greeted me while checking my email and was shaken by this woman's "policies". I wonder how America will fare if she wins. AND if she does win, only goes to show na uso na talaga ang pagiging stupid ngayon.

reposting a blog by bru:

actually news-worthy naman sya especially if you follow the US elections. wala naman akong maisasaling, politics is politics. as jaz said, it doesn't matter if you're an ex-beauty queen or a young african-american. basta ang mahalaga ay ang policies mo. so eto:

Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin has said she does not believe global warming is a man-made problem.
+
she supports opening a protected Alaskan wildlife refuge to oil drilling -- a position pilloried by environmentalists and some Democratic leaders.
+
As Alaska governor she has also filed a lawsuit seeking to overturn the current administration's decision to list the polar bear as threatened under the Endangered Species Act. (more and more polar bears are drowning because there's no ice mass to latch on to. global warming means they have to keep afloat at sea with no solid ice in sight, til they just drop drown from exhaustion)
+
In the past week she has faced widespread ridicule for the few interviews she has given, including a previous sit-down in which Palin cited Alaska's proximity to Canada and Russia as giving her a solid grounding in foreign policy.

i don't think i'd go for a world power VP chick who's also "a paid-up member of the National Rifle Association" either. it's just too redneck. read on and get more information on:

http://green.yahoo.com/news/afp/20081001/ts_alt_afp/usvoterepublicanspalinclimate.html

wow may kwenta ang post. to think that i just had 2 glasses of wine with a stick of isaw.

Beyond the Classroom: Dialogues at Starbucks

2008-09-30T12:24:00.000+08:00

If you have time to spare this weekend, have some coffee and conversation with multi-awarded social entrepreneur Illac Diaz. It’s another Dialogues at Starbucks on October 4 at 10.30am at Starbucks Plaza 100.

This time while Illac will talk a bit about his latest endeavors, like the Millennium Schools project, we’re engaging him in conversation about the inspiration behind his latest projects and his unusual approach to Poverty.

See you there!

Weewilldoodle at Pablo Artist Fair

2008-09-24T14:01:00.001+08:00

instincts and melancholic realizations

2008-08-25T00:41:00.001+08:00

i should've listened to my instinct last night.

i already felt that something was gonna happen that night that would make me uneasy. the feeling was just there.

a few minutes after, i saw your car pass by.

i didn't see you. but i saw your car. and it was enough.

i felt like my mind was erased blank all of a sudden. i was trying to listen to my bestfriend talk about his recent discoveries but his words fell on deaf ears. i was not there. i was not ready for any sign of your presence even if i hoped for it.

and i felt really sad all over again.

when i got home, tears started to flow again. and i didn't know what i was crying about exactly.

as i think about it now, i should've listened to my instincts a long time ago.

but i just had to give my poor little heart a chance to feel again. it doesn't happen often anyway.

i guess i gave it too much of a chance.

too much, i allowed it to be stomped on.

.

very apt

2008-08-23T19:54:00.001+08:00

How do you cool your lips
After a summer’s kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you’d know anywhere

Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive
Insensitive
Insensitive

How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It’s a crime to fall in love again

Oh, you probably won’t remember me
It’s probably ancient history
I’m one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I’m out of vogue, I’m out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be
Insensitive

I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive

Insensitive

Insensitive

- by Jann Arden

***

i didn't realize how appropriate this song was for me when i sang this at a party i went to a few nights ago.

and, as i hoped i wouldn't, i cried a river of tears again that night as i was about to go home.

i wanna bury this pain.

i'm slowly digging the grave.

.

Your Personality Type: The Dreamy Idealist

2008-08-23T14:10:00.001+08:00

Your Personality Type: The Dreamy Idealist

Posted using ShareThis

again.

2008-08-04T19:32:00.002+08:00

i dreamt of you again last night.

i don't think about you anymore. i try not to.

but you're just there.

and i still cry over you.

and despite the foolishness that i feel for still hanging on, i still hope.

and i still believe.

are you supposed to be here forever?

because it's been painful.

.

because of last night.

2008-08-02T14:50:00.004+08:00

Out of reach
by Gabrielle

Knew the signs wasn’t right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool

So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never met to be

Catch myself from despair
I could drown if I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be ok

But I’m
So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never met to be

So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time
You’ll be out of my mind
I’ll be over you

And now I’m
So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never met to be
Out of reach, so far,
You never gave your heart
In my reach I can see
There’s a life out there for me

***

i allowed myself to be stupid last night.
i pleaded to you.
i swallowed my pride.
i allowed myself to look and seem desperate.
i was.... desperate for a friend, for someone to talk to, for you.

and i had my ego crushed.

i don't matter to you. and i don't deserve this.

but as long as you're still occupying even the farthest crevices of my brain and the deepest recesses of my heart, i will write here.

until you're gone. really gone.

.

grey and blue.

2008-07-31T11:00:00.004+08:00

i've been crying again lately...

not just because of you, but of all the things that have been happening in my life right now.

but mostly because of you.

i've been meeting people. new friends and old.

some have expressed interest.

and whenever i think about giving it a try, i cry.

i'm not ready to let go of you. not just yet.

i know.

because i dreamt of you last night.

we were about to make love in my dream.

now everything's a blur.

.

dizzy daisy

2008-07-30T19:54:00.001+08:00

i'm in the third trimester of the year and it seems like fate still isn't keen on being friendly to me. bleh.

...

2008-07-30T19:30:00.000+08:00

Latest Mistake
by Mandy Moore

There is part of me that wants an answer
And part of me that doesn't want to know
Part of you that I am in love with
And the part that I am willing to let go

This is a delicate unraveling
Now and then I find pieces on the floor
Tiny little bits that tell me
Maybe I shouldn't do this
Or love you anymore

Someone's gonna have to fess up
Someone's gonna have to clean this mess up

'Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don't know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You're really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I'm just your latest mistake

I wonder what will make you happy
I wonder what you'll do with it all
I have a map in my head
Somehow still don't understand
Why I always have to miss you
Why I have to make the call

Someone's gonna have to step up
Someone's gonna have to clean this mess up

'Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don't know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You're really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I'm just your latest mistake

Before you drive me away
Take a good look at me, baby
Picture me not lying on your couch
Well, I wish the best for you
Everytime you go thru this
Before you finally figure it out

'Cause I wanted you the first time
And I loved you from the second
And I don't know how that ever goes away
As far as I can tell
You're really good at talking
So I think its time you let me know

I'm just your latest mistake

gratitude

2008-07-30T13:51:00.000+08:00

got this from the Secret Gratitude Blog by the author of OAP.

"Gratitude is one of the most powerful emotions you can use to bring all-good into your life in absolute abundance. No matter who you are, no matter where you are, gratitude can dissolve all negativity in your life, no matter what form it has taken. Let me explain how something as simple as gratitude can completely transform your life.

When you are grateful for the things that you want to come into your life (the perfect relationship, the dream job, absolute health, total abundance) before they actually appear, you are sending out a frequency to the Universe that you already have those things. The law of attraction does not know if you are imagining something or it it is real, so by giving heartfelt thanks for it now, you must attract those things to you. This is an immutable law, and when used correctly it is unfailing in its response.

To maximize all the power of these words of wisdom and truth, read them slowly, say each word emphatically and with intensity, and feel them deeply within your heart:

1. Before you begin to write anything, sit quietly and silently say “Thank you” twenty times. Feel the feelings of gratitude as you silently repeat the words “Thank you.”

2. Always list the things you are grateful for in the present tense, whether you have them now or not. If you write the things you want as being in the future, then they will always be in the future. For example, “I am so grateful for all the abundance that will come to me” could result in the abundance always just “coming”… and not arriving! To harness the power of the law of attraction, you have to give thanks NOW for the things you want, as though you have already received them.

3. When writing your list, begin each sentence with “I am truly grateful for…” OR “I am so grateful now that… ” Or “Thank you for…” Or any other similar words of gratitude that feel good to you.

4. First write down the things you are grateful for in your life now and feel the feelings as deeply as possible with your heart.

5. When you have finished your daily “Gratitude Now” list, immediately write down your gratitude list for all the things you want to come into your life. Remember to write them as though you have them now.

The more you use gratitude every day, the greater the good you will bring into your life. It is all you have to do to completely transform your life in every single area, and on every single subject. There are no limits to the good that you can bring forth to you, and by practicing gratitude daily, you will increase and maximize your magnetic power to attract a life beyond your wildest dreams. And for you to live a life beyond your wildest dreams is my dream come true."

- Rhonda Bryne, Author of the The Secret